My neighbor Peter told me today that I will go to hell because I keep saying bad things about the guy who lives across the street from him. This is all BEHIND HIS BACK, mind you.

“I didn’t realize Thou shalt not call thy neighbor a retard was included in the 10 Commandments.”

You guys are the first people I am telling this happy tidbit. As you may know, I’ve been dating Pookie Bear for 4 years, almost to the day. Today I left his home and found my way back to my house without the benefit of my GPS!!!!! I tried this once a year and a half ago and got dreadfully lost. It was an overcast day and my GPS just couldn’t find its signal. I ended up finding a parking lot and I drove around in circles holding my TomTom out the window until it finally collided with the signal and only then was I able to find my way back home.

Pookie has lived at this current residence for about 3 years. It’s also true that I visit him more than a couple times a month. Clearly I am spatially challenged. Or, in other words, I am an idiot when it comes to directions and maps and finding my way out of a paper bag. I almost started to get lost today but I kept calm and tried to visualize my last 100 trips back and I was able to realize that all I needed to do was go straight. In fact, I realized it’s a very simple route. Right out of his house, right out of his development. Right at the third light. Right at 309. Right onto the turnpike and from there I am as good as gold. YET I GET LOST!!!

So why was I without my GPS? Pookie borrowed it. And I tried to pretend it was no big deal. Just as I pretend to not need it as I pull out of his driveway EVERY WEEK. At the stop sign to make that right to exit his development, I stop, hope he can’t see me and pull out the GPS, plug it in and off I ride, happy as a clam.

The exterminator showed up today. It was his fourth visit to my lovely abode. Armed with a can of extremely fowl smelling spray, he doused my kitchen in drops and fumes. The ants are all gone. For the time being.

I need to wipe down all surfaces since those little crawlers were everywhere. And I gotta get rid of the food they penetrated. I want to cry at all the groceries I’ve lost through this battle.

My exterminator said that we are lucky that ants are teeny tiny and not 6 feet tall because they would overpower us easily. I believe him.

I’d been in a great routine. The clock would hit about 6:30am and I would just pop UP! The alarm didn’t even have to ring. And I felt wide awake and ready to greet the day with a breath of fire… even on weekends too. Something happened on Saturday because I didn’t wake up until 9:30! It happened again on Sunday and Monday. I slept in.

Last night I set my alarm for 6:30, worried I’d never be able to get up. Somehow I sat up at 6:15am ready to go. Thank goodness. Tomorrow is my early day and I hated to think of how hard it would be trying to get myself up.

Now I am in my office trying to figure out what type of caulk I should buy. You see, the ants are very quickly taking over. They’ve chewed their way through a number of places on my kitchen door and I am thinking I need to seal them out even more so than just kill them. The ant situation has me so disgusted. I just want to scream. Once I have the holes plugged and the poison down I an going to have to wipe everything and throw away even more food. They’ve clearly found something. I hate to think about it.

Woke up this morning, made myself a cup of coffee, sat down at my vintage 50’s kitchen table, took a nice sip of my hot, French pressed coffee in my favorite Elvis coffee mug and swatted an ant off my arm. I refused to get upset and I convinced myself it was just an errant ant that had caught a ride in from outside on the hem of my sun dress some time yesterday. I looked down at the kitchen floor and I gasped. This was no errant ant! This was one of hundreds. I started sweeping as many up and depositing them outside… and then I grabbed a paper towel and started smushing them. Something snapped inside of me and I discarded the paper towel and started using my bare hands to smash them. After I killed as many as I could, I cleaned out my pantry cabinet… AGAIN. Now the food it double zip-locked and in a totally different cabinet where I am hoping the ants can’t invade as easily.

I called the exterminator and left a message, “Hey, Happy 4th! It’s Donna…. again! And I really am embarrassed here… I hate to call, I really do… but the ants are back! Can you call me? Thanks!”

Last year I suffered my first ant invasion of the kitchen. Pookie went to Home Depot and bought a green can of ant spray. He got back to my place and showed no mercy on the ants. And that was it. The ants disappeared for that summer, fall and winter. Spring brought the ants back. I figured I’d call an exterminator to make it a permanent disappearance this time… but they’ve had no luck at all. They are using insane, industrial grade chemicals that are somehow no match for these ants. What the heck was in that green can that Pookie bought at Home Depot? Or are these super ants that ingested the green can contents and have become stronger and immune to all poison?

I can’t take it. I want these ants gone! And do you think my exterminator is just ineffectual or are these ants omnipotent?