Will You Be My Valentine?

So I was lucky enough to catch an interaction that may shape the future of two lives. Yesterday, as we were leaving Jimmy’s preschool, I said, “Jimmy, did you ask Ava W what you were planning on asking her?”

“Wait!” He ran off to where Ava W. was playing with another girl.

“Ava W, will you be my Valentine?”

Ava W stood up and said, “Yes, Jimmy, I’ll be your Valentine!” She gave him a big hug and sat back down with her friend.

Jimmy looked at me and beamed! He ran back to me and said, “SHE SAID YES!!!!”

He took my hand and out of the classroom I walked… Jimmy floated.

Replaying the scene in my head, I marveled at how well it went. I was proud Jimmy had the courage to ask… he could have chickened out and not asked at all. I was grateful that Ava W responded in the affirmative. She could have been shy and not known how to act, she could have froze up or said no.

Jimmy may be more apt to put himself out there because of this positive experience and perhaps Ava W feels special and in the future, she’ll feel valued, deserving, and loveable.

I can’t help but wonder about the little girl who Ava W was playing with. I hope she was caught up in their play and didn’t notice the interaction. I hope she didn’t notice and wonder why Jimmy didn’t ask her. I hope she doesn’t feel bad that she was ignored and wonder why it wasn’t her.

Looking back at my own life– I was the little friend. Early on I felt ignored and rejected. It imbued me with a deep belief that I wasn’t deserving and I shouldn’t be picky. I think that’s ultimately why I made such royally bad decisions when it came to men most of my life.

The love lives of 5-year-olds… I do believe it plants the seeds to who they will become and the lives they will lead.

I do know this… Regardless of the Valentine’s Day interaction, Ava W knows what she wants and has gone out to get it. Jimmy likes her because she has made it clear she likes him. Just the other day, when I was picking Jimmy up, Ava W approached me and said, “Jimmy’s mommy, Jimmy’s so handsome… I want to take Jimmy home and he can live in my house and play with me all the time!”

I smiled and said, “That is so sweet Ava W, but Jimmy has a home with us but maybe he can visit you one day.” I was pretty proud that I was able to stifle my initial reaction of, “STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY BOY, YOU TROLLOP!”

When I was younger, my mom would say, “You are growing up, we’re gonna have to buy a bat to keep the boys away!” Back then, I thought it was ludicrous. Looking back, I wish my thought was, “A bat won’t keep them away!”

Thinking about Jimmy, I am going to have to buy a bat AND tie him down.

Dreams of Tut

I dreamt I decided to add a new stream of revenue– a meditation room in my house where people can come and meditate while I intone affirmations over a loudspeaker. Mike Dooley showed up and pulled me in to dance with him — ballroom style. We expertly navigated the room, somehow missing all the people meditating on the floor.

Christmas is closing in — so is the end of the year. I feel positively spent. I took time off yesterday and I am going to do the same today. It’s time to pause and breathe.

Mad About You

As a young girl, I loved the music video for Belinda Carlisle’s Mad about You. I just loved her look, that vibe– OH! I still love it!

At any rate, I got a call today from Belinda Carlisle…. nope– it only sounded like Belinda Carlisle — it was Melinda Cartile or something. But it got me running to Youtube to rewatch the video.

I noticed the man in the video, at the time he looked too old for her and I wondered why him… upon this watching, 32 years later… he looked quite dashing and handsome. Wondering who he might be, I checked out the Wikipedia entry for the song and it turns out… Morgan Mason married Belinda Carlisle — they are STILL MARRIED. Not only that, his father is one of my favorite actors, JAMES MASON… AND Morgan Mason played the little boy in one of my favorite movies, The Sandpiper!!!!!

I remember watching the Sandpiper back when I was a teenager and I wanted to grow up to be Elizabeth Taylor, living in a beach house with a cute little son, parenting in a progressive way, teaching him art and Buddhism, but instead of having a mad affair with a stuffy but sexy priest, I prefered Charles Bronson’s sculptor character.

Funny to see these crazy connections that I missed the first time around and how one’s perception changes over time.

How did I get here?

It was over 5 years ago, I found myself sitting at the dinner table– pregnant, with a husband, and two stepdaughters and I thought– how the hell did I get here?

This morning, I loaded JE onto the school bus and I turned to get JR into the car to drive him to his preschool and as I juggled backpacks and lunch boxes, I thought– how the hell did I get here?

For the longest time, my life didn’t change. I lived in my condo — I went to work — I ate — I breathed. And then my dad died. Boom. But life kept moving forward. I met Ed and with him came big changes. JE and JR are constantly changing — growing — developing — progressing and I feel the onslaught of time more acutely than ever before.

October Highs and Lows

October is almost over. It really is the fastest month, or so it seems.

Put my three-year-old on the school bus this morning for the first time. I know it was the right thing but I am also certain it’s insane too. Knowing what I am going through, I wonder how the heck my mother handled everything when I was a kid.

It’s 2 and all I want to do is get my babies — work? What’s that?

Figuring it out

To do: Powerwalk and listen to Wayne Dyer or similar ilk. I need a religion. I was considering checking out a Unitarian church but after some google research I discovered it’s more political than religious… and politics is something I want to escape entirely.

I just want a place to go, once a week, where I can be quiet, self-reflective, hear someone speak about better ways of thinking, dealing, being, planning, leading, and envisioning.

My trainer said that I am doing a great job of getting my body strong but I also need to work on my head/spirituality. He tells me to go to church and pray. To trust in God.

And somehow, it does resonate with me. I want to find faith/spirituality. I just don’t want to hear about a father who sacrifices the fatted calf because his asshole son is back from whoring it up in the city. I don’t want to hear about floods and ships full of animals, or tablets, or sacrifices made on mountaintops stopped at the last second.

It doesn’t seem like the type of church I want is out there and so I am left to powerwalking and listening to Wayne Dyer.

LOL LOL

So I switched this Website over to a managed WordPress solution my hosting company offers. During the migration, there was a slight hiccup and I had to call tech support. The issue was in the ispy folder that contains all my old webcam pictures.

“Yeah, so like back in the 90’s I used to do webcam pics– nothing seedy or racy- just boring shots of me in front of my computer- it was a different time back then, a gentler time.”

The pics started in 1998 and went to 2006. It seems so long ago and like yesterday.

I keep reading how Seinfeld went off the air 20 years ago– debuted on TV 30 years ago. I actually went on IMDB.com to make sure it was true. It’s absolutely correct.

The passage of time.

Stuff

It’s way late– 3 am and I am up. I got tired of tossing and turning.

The new year lit a fire under me and I got a lot accomplished for work and around the house but the motivation has petered out. One of the things I did during that first week was organize my office. Looking at it, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. It’s now a month and a half later and it’s a hell hole again.

The thing is, I didn’t even notice how bad it got. I took some pictures of the office. It’s crazy what you don’t notice when you are in the midst of things. Looking at those pictures, I was amazed at how messy it had become. “How messy it had become,” like it just happened on its own. LOL

Humans are nothing more than their habits. I’ve got to kick my bad habits — messiness — and I need to acquire some good habits like reading, exercising, journaling, and dressing better.

Your Breast Friend

I went to San Jose a few weeks ago. Got a tour of my favorite Social Network’s HQ. Instead of being impressed, I found myself feeling sad. All those little Millenials, walking around, looking identical to each other — living in a weird microcosmic environment that doesn’t appear to reflect anything that I experience in business yet making massive decisions that will undoubtedly affect me… ugh!

The good news is when I got back home, Jed stopped nursing and so after 2 years and 2 and a half months, I am done with breastfeeding. I might feel more wistful if I hadn’t done it for 4 years straight. I am happy to take back my body and boobies.

In other news, Jimmy keeps saying, “Mommy, you are my breast friend!”

“You are my breast friend, too, little guy!”

And today he turns 4-years-old! It’s almost hard to believe. The days are long but the years go fast.

Momma Bear

Our neighbors’ marriage imploded. They put their house up for sale and now we have new neighbors. The word got out that our new neighbors have a 3-year-old son. Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent more time than I care to admit staring out the window, hoping for signs of life from them. Although cars came and went, I never saw a single person emerge or enter their house. FINALLY, yesterday as I collected our mail, I noticed a man standing outside their garage. I marched over with Jimmy and Jed and introduced myself and the boys. Turns out they do indeed have a 3-year-old son! Jimmy needs a best friend…. badly. And I am so excited, I really hope this little boy can be his friend.

Last weekend I finished the update to my book. It really should be a second edition but my publisher doesn’t even want to talk about a second edition until they have a full year of sales numbers. Plus, the author apparently doesn’t get compensated for updates. We do them to keep the book viable and selling. I am happy it’s updated– it was a task that honestly seemed insurmountable. I am just glad it’s behind me.

Yesterday I received a scathing email from a woman, angry about a link that I had posted on Social Media. It was a link to an article that I wrote but for some reason the link wasn’t working right for her. Rather than taking a step back, breathing in and breathing out, realizing that I have always put out good, valuable content, and that clearly something wasn’t right, she emailed me the meanest words. She assumed that it was some sort of SPAM and she was going to unfollow me and tell everyone she knows to unfollow me. So I picked up the phone and called her. Walked her through how to click the link and lo and behold it worked just fine. I asked her why, after having followed me for ages, being a commenter and sharer of so many of my posts, she would immediately jump to the conclusion that I was doing something evil and not that it was a simple technical snafu. She said she was having a bad day.

It’s 6am-ish. I woke up early. Couldn’t go back to sleep. This happens with quite a bit of frequency. I just wish I could take the time and be more productive. Maybe I’ll go make a banana cake.