Over a year…

banged up a bitHey there! I am still alive. Are you?

It’s been over a year since I last posted. Once upon a time, I posted every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Things change.

I turned 47 a couple of months ago. It might shock me more than it shocks you. I feel each and every one of those years. I had been holding up pretty good but 47 was a real bitch slap with facial repercussions. In fact, I am trying to figure what to do. Do I fight it? Embrace it? Ignore it?

Watching the Sex and the City reboot, as well as the Friends Reunion, fighting it can leave the face looking far worse than some drooping and wrinkles.

What else?

What is this all about? Why are we here? How is any of this even possible? What’s the bigger picture? It is all random chaos? Why is the world so divisive?

Life seemed so much easier when I hung out at bars, went to concerts, and earned a paycheck.

I guess that’s about it. At least for now. Maybe I’ll check in in another year or so.

2020 24 hours ago

I’ve been meaning to pop by here to mention the passing of Dustbury, aka Charles Hill. I started blogging on my own domain in September 2001. I blogged and blogged but very few people paid attention to me. And then one day I got a pingback from a site called Dustbury.  Suddenly I was hanging with the cool kids… at least cool kids by my definition. I loved it when he deemed something I wrote funny enough to post on Dustbury.com. Made me feel special. On one of his world tours, he stopped by to visit. Got to meet the man in person!

Not sure exactly when it happened but it was an intersection of a bunch of things. Facebook, smartphones, the start of my own business, but I found myself posting less and less.  I kept up with Charles mainly on Facebook.

Couple years back, I knew he was struggling and so I started a GoFundMe for him. It did pretty well. Kept him going, I think.

Looking back, it seems to me it was this last year that it became super clear that he wasn’t doing good, wasn’t getting better, and he seemed ready to exit the world.

He posted a blog entry of a rearview mirror reflecting a graveyard. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Couple days later Dawn Eden messaged me that he was in a car accident and passed away.

Charles was so prolific… but it was on his blog. All his time and effort and beauty, rendered in 1s and 0s. I keep visiting, wanting a new post, dreading a 404. Everything is ephemeral.


My Name is Zoom and I Come From the Moon!

Tomorrow, my son Jimmy turns… 6!

And what did I just do?  I bought him the mp3 of Captain Zoom!

Space command to Zoom
All systems are go for your message to Jimmy!

Hey Jimmy!
It’s your birthday!
I’m in charge of the stars
And I’m here to say,
Hey Jimmy ’cause
You’re the BIG STAR today!

My name is Zoom
And I live on the moon
But I came down to earth
Just to sing you this tune

Hey Jimmy ’cause
It’s your birthday today!

A present for you
I wanted to find
An outerspace creature
A one of a kind!
A wild whop or a kukelchoo,
An apple drop or a buzzardstew
Or maybe a 3-eyed tickleshay
For your birthday

Did you ask:
“uh, what’s a kukelchoo?”
Well, up on the moon it’s nothing new
But that won’t do for you,
On your birthday!

I searched behind the clouds and stars
I even zoomed my bike to Mars
And met my friend the saucer man
And he said:
“Hey Zoom I got the bestest plan!
What your friend needs is something new,
So how about a song, just from YOU?”

And so tonight when you’re in bed
I’ll be singing to you as I zoom overhead
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday

To you!

See you next year!

Last Train to Clarksville

I was getting my hair cut on February 21st, 2019, when all of a sudden my phone started pinging like crazy– messages out the wazoo!

“The last time this happened, Davy Jones died,” I presciently thought. Once I was out of the hair salon, I glanced down… yep… The Tork… dead.

Almost 33 years to the day (February 23, 1986), MTV debuted a full weekend marathon of Monkees’ episodes. That was the day I first learned about the Monkees and I fell in love with them. Betamax tape after Betamax tape FILLED with Monkees episodes, watched over and over again. Concerts, finger puppets, books, t-shirts, and other memorabilia purchased over the years.

On January 26, 2004, my sister and I went to see Peter Tork perform at the Tin Angel. I wish I could say Peter was charismatic and sweet and goofy but he wasn’t. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone. Davy’s gone.

Last weekend, I went to see the Micky and Mike Show in Atlantic City, NJ. The lads are in their 70’s. They said very little — but they saluted both Davy and Peter. Regardless of age and seeming a bit slower, they sounded wonderful. The show lasted an hour and twenty — it ended abruptly. No encore. Whatever. I finally saw Mike. Bucket list item accomplished!

It is strange to watch childhood loves grow old, fade, and die. It happens to everything.

Will You Be My Valentine?

So I was lucky enough to catch an interaction that may shape the future of two lives. Yesterday, as we were leaving Jimmy’s preschool, I said, “Jimmy, did you ask Ava W what you were planning on asking her?”

“Wait!” He ran off to where Ava W. was playing with another girl.

“Ava W, will you be my Valentine?”

Ava W stood up and said, “Yes, Jimmy, I’ll be your Valentine!” She gave him a big hug and sat back down with her friend.

Jimmy looked at me and beamed! He ran back to me and said, “SHE SAID YES!!!!”

He took my hand and out of the classroom I walked… Jimmy floated.

Replaying the scene in my head, I marveled at how well it went. I was proud Jimmy had the courage to ask… he could have chickened out and not asked at all. I was grateful that Ava W responded in the affirmative. She could have been shy and not known how to act, she could have froze up or said no.

Jimmy may be more apt to put himself out there because of this positive experience and perhaps Ava W feels special and in the future, she’ll feel valued, deserving, and loveable.

I can’t help but wonder about the little girl who Ava W was playing with. I hope she was caught up in their play and didn’t notice the interaction. I hope she didn’t notice and wonder why Jimmy didn’t ask her. I hope she doesn’t feel bad that she was ignored and wonder why it wasn’t her.

Looking back at my own life– I was the little friend. Early on I felt ignored and rejected. It imbued me with a deep belief that I wasn’t deserving and I shouldn’t be picky. I think that’s ultimately why I made such royally bad decisions when it came to men most of my life.

The love lives of 5-year-olds… I do believe it plants the seeds to who they will become and the lives they will lead.

I do know this… Regardless of the Valentine’s Day interaction, Ava W knows what she wants and has gone out to get it. Jimmy likes her because she has made it clear she likes him. Just the other day, when I was picking Jimmy up, Ava W approached me and said, “Jimmy’s mommy, Jimmy’s so handsome… I want to take Jimmy home and he can live in my house and play with me all the time!”

I smiled and said, “That is so sweet Ava W, but Jimmy has a home with us but maybe he can visit you one day.” I was pretty proud that I was able to stifle my initial reaction of, “STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY BOY, YOU TROLLOP!”

When I was younger, my mom would say, “You are growing up, we’re gonna have to buy a bat to keep the boys away!” Back then, I thought it was ludicrous. Looking back, I wish my thought was, “A bat won’t keep them away!”

Thinking about Jimmy, I am going to have to buy a bat AND tie him down.

Dreams of Tut

I dreamt I decided to add a new stream of revenue– a meditation room in my house where people can come and meditate while I intone affirmations over a loudspeaker. Mike Dooley showed up and pulled me in to dance with him — ballroom style. We expertly navigated the room, somehow missing all the people meditating on the floor.

Christmas is closing in — so is the end of the year. I feel positively spent. I took time off yesterday and I am going to do the same today. It’s time to pause and breathe.

Mad About You

As a young girl, I loved the music video for Belinda Carlisle’s Mad about You. I just loved her look, that vibe– OH! I still love it!

At any rate, I got a call today from Belinda Carlisle…. nope– it only sounded like Belinda Carlisle — it was Melinda Cartile or something. But it got me running to Youtube to rewatch the video.

I noticed the man in the video, at the time he looked too old for her and I wondered why him… upon this watching, 32 years later… he looked quite dashing and handsome. Wondering who he might be, I checked out the Wikipedia entry for the song and it turns out… Morgan Mason married Belinda Carlisle — they are STILL MARRIED. Not only that, his father is one of my favorite actors, JAMES MASON… AND Morgan Mason played the little boy in one of my favorite movies, The Sandpiper!!!!!

I remember watching the Sandpiper back when I was a teenager and I wanted to grow up to be Elizabeth Taylor, living in a beach house with a cute little son, parenting in a progressive way, teaching him art and Buddhism, but instead of having a mad affair with a stuffy but sexy priest, I prefered Charles Bronson’s sculptor character.

Funny to see these crazy connections that I missed the first time around and how one’s perception changes over time.

How did I get here?

It was over 5 years ago, I found myself sitting at the dinner table– pregnant, with a husband, and two stepdaughters and I thought– how the hell did I get here?

This morning, I loaded JE onto the school bus and I turned to get JR into the car to drive him to his preschool and as I juggled backpacks and lunch boxes, I thought– how the hell did I get here?

For the longest time, my life didn’t change. I lived in my condo — I went to work — I ate — I breathed. And then my dad died. Boom. But life kept moving forward. I met Ed and with him came big changes. JE and JR are constantly changing — growing — developing — progressing and I feel the onslaught of time more acutely than ever before.