It’s been over a year since I last posted. Once upon a time, I posted every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Things change.
I turned 47 a couple of months ago. It might shock me more than it shocks you. I feel each and every one of those years. I had been holding up pretty good but 47 was a real bitch slap with facial repercussions. In fact, I am trying to figure what to do. Do I fight it? Embrace it? Ignore it?
Watching the Sex and the City reboot, as well as the Friends Reunion, fighting it can leave the face looking far worse than some drooping and wrinkles.
What is this all about? Why are we here? How is any of this even possible? What’s the bigger picture? It is all random chaos? Why is the world so divisive?
Life seemed so much easier when I hung out at bars, went to concerts, and earned a paycheck.
I guess that’s about it. At least for now. Maybe I’ll check in in another year or so.
I’ve been meaning to pop by here to mention the passing of Dustbury, aka Charles Hill. I started blogging on my own domain in September 2001. I blogged and blogged but very few people paid attention to me. And then one day I got a pingback from a site called Dustbury. Suddenly I was hanging with the cool kids… at least cool kids by my definition. I loved it when he deemed something I wrote funny enough to post on Dustbury.com. Made me feel special. On one of his world tours, he stopped by to visit. Got to meet the man in person!
Not sure exactly when it happened but it was an intersection of a bunch of things. Facebook, smartphones, the start of my own business, but I found myself posting less and less. I kept up with Charles mainly on Facebook.
Couple years back, I knew he was struggling and so I started a GoFundMe for him. It did pretty well. Kept him going, I think.
Looking back, it seems to me it was this last year that it became super clear that he wasn’t doing good, wasn’t getting better, and he seemed ready to exit the world.
He posted a blog entry of a rearview mirror reflecting a graveyard. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
Couple days later Dawn Eden messaged me that he was in a car accident and passed away.
Charles was so prolific… but it was on his blog. All his time and effort and beauty, rendered in 1s and 0s. I keep visiting, wanting a new post, dreading a 404. Everything is ephemeral.
I was getting my hair cut on February 21st, 2019, when all of a sudden my phone started pinging like crazy– messages out the wazoo!
“The last time this happened, Davy Jones died,” I presciently thought. Once I was out of the hair salon, I glanced down… yep… The Tork… dead.
Almost 33 years to the day (February 23, 1986), MTV debuted a full weekend marathon of Monkees’ episodes. That was the day I first learned about the Monkees and I fell in love with them. Betamax tape after Betamax tape FILLED with Monkees episodes, watched over and over again. Concerts, finger puppets, books, t-shirts, and other memorabilia purchased over the years.
Last weekend, I went to see the Micky and Mike Show in Atlantic City, NJ. The lads are in their 70’s. They said very little — but they saluted both Davy and Peter. Regardless of age and seeming a bit slower, they sounded wonderful. The show lasted an hour and twenty — it ended abruptly. No encore. Whatever. I finally saw Mike. Bucket list item accomplished!
It is strange to watch childhood loves grow old, fade, and die. It happens to everything.
I dreamt I decided to add a new stream of revenue– a meditation room in my house where people can come and meditate while I intone affirmations over a loudspeaker. Mike Dooley showed up and pulled me in to dance with him — ballroom style. We expertly navigated the room, somehow missing all the people meditating on the floor.
Christmas is closing in — so is the end of the year. I feel positively spent. I took time off yesterday and I am going to do the same today. It’s time to pause and breathe.
It was over 5 years ago, I found myself sitting at the dinner table– pregnant, with a husband, and two stepdaughters and I thought– how the hell did I get here?
This morning, I loaded JE onto the school bus and I turned to get JR into the car to drive him to his preschool and as I juggled backpacks and lunch boxes, I thought– how the hell did I get here?
For the longest time, my life didn’t change. I lived in my condo — I went to work — I ate — I breathed. And then my dad died. Boom. But life kept moving forward. I met Ed and with him came big changes. JE and JR are constantly changing — growing — developing — progressing and I feel the onslaught of time more acutely than ever before.
October is almost over. It really is the fastest month, or so it seems.
Put my three-year-old on the school bus this morning for the first time. I know it was the right thing but I am also certain it’s insane too. Knowing what I am going through, I wonder how the heck my mother handled everything when I was a kid.
It’s 2 and all I want to do is get my babies — work? What’s that?
To do: Powerwalk and listen to Wayne Dyer or similar ilk. I need a religion. I was considering checking out a Unitarian church but after some google research I discovered it’s more political than religious… and politics is something I want to escape entirely.
I just want a place to go, once a week, where I can be quiet, self-reflective, hear someone speak about better ways of thinking, dealing, being, planning, leading, and envisioning.
My trainer said that I am doing a great job of getting my body strong but I also need to work on my head/spirituality. He tells me to go to church and pray. To trust in God.
And somehow, it does resonate with me. I want to find faith/spirituality. I just don’t want to hear about a father who sacrifices the fatted calf because his asshole son is back from whoring it up in the city. I don’t want to hear about floods and ships full of animals, or tablets, or sacrifices made on mountaintops stopped at the last second.
It doesn’t seem like the type of church I want is out there and so I am left to powerwalking and listening to Wayne Dyer.
It’s way late– 3 am and I am up. I got tired of tossing and turning.
The new year lit a fire under me and I got a lot accomplished for work and around the house but the motivation has petered out. One of the things I did during that first week was organize my office. Looking at it, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. It’s now a month and a half later and it’s a hell hole again.
The thing is, I didn’t even notice how bad it got. I took some pictures of the office. It’s crazy what you don’t notice when you are in the midst of things. Looking at those pictures, I was amazed at how messy it had become. “How messy it had become,” like it just happened on its own. LOL
Humans are nothing more than their habits. I’ve got to kick my bad habits — messiness — and I need to acquire some good habits like reading, exercising, journaling, and dressing better.