So that was embarrassing. After I posted the last entry about watching La Femme Nikita episodes and thinking back to The Avengers and such… I started getting rather sentimental. I dug in and read a slew of back entries. It was nice catching up with my old self. But I started to notice weird links that I didn’t remember including. Like buying YouTube subscribers. Suddenly I realized that code had been injected into tons of pages… BACK IN 2019!!!  I NEVER NOTICED!  Filth had been nestled in my sweet ramblings and I had no idea.

Luckily, I was able to find most of it– I am sure some lurks somewhere– but I washed most of it away. I hope it doesn’t come back.

Yesterday was the last day of school. Jed’s been watching Alice Cooper’s appearance on the Muppet Show. He sings along to School’s Out. He’s also been requesting and watching Killer Klown’s From Outerspace. He’s 6.

Last night, I disappeared after dinner and climbed into bed. I spoke into the remote, “La Femme Nikita on Tubi.” I watched a couple of third-season episodes before Jed found me. I don’t know why this show moved me but it still moves me. It originally aired on television from 1997 to 2001. I think I started watching it after it ended. 2003ish or so, whenever Lifetime started airing repeats of it. It’s now been off the air for 21 years… which got me thinking…

In 1990, A&E aired The Avengers with John Steed and Emma Peel. I remember watching The Avengers with the same verve that I (still) have for Nikita. Diana Rigg played Emma Peel from 1965 to 1968. Watching the show in 1990, it had been off the air for 22 years! Almost the same amount of time that Nikita’s been off! Somehow the Avengers felt older then than Nikita does to me today. Perhaps it’s because La Femme Nikita occurred in my lifetime?  I was 16 then; I am now 47.

I was talking to my sister a couple of years back about the Queen/Freddie Mercury movie that had just come out. Watching it, it looked weird to me. The clothes and overall vibe felt off. I mentioned to Lisa how it puzzled me that movies that are filmed recently but take place in the 1800s or 1920s or even 1960s look fine to me but movies that take place in the 1970s or 1980s almost always look cartoonish. Lisa said that it might have to do with having experienced the 70’s and 80’s directly. And having actually lived during the time, I can see the inaccuracies and anachronisms. Or not. I don’t know.

Just reread a few old entries and found this gem, “I relate to Nikita– I related to her in my 20’s and I still relate to her in my 30’s. I think it has to do with how I always feel like I am fighting for my life.” And no surprise, I still feel like I am fighting for my life in my 40’s.

Hey there! I am still alive. Are you?

It’s been over a year since I last posted. Once upon a time, I posted every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Things change.

I turned 47 a couple of months ago. It might shock me more than it shocks you. I feel each and every one of those years. I had been holding up pretty good but 47 was a real bitch slap with facial repercussions. In fact, I am trying to figure what to do. Do I fight it? Embrace it? Ignore it?

Watching the Sex and the City reboot, as well as the Friends Reunion, fighting it can leave the face looking far worse than some drooping and wrinkles.

What else?

What is this all about? Why are we here? How is any of this even possible? What’s the bigger picture? It is all random chaos? Why is the world so divisive?

Life seemed so much easier when I hung out at bars, went to concerts, and earned a paycheck.

I guess that’s about it. At least for now. Maybe I’ll check in in another year or so.

1. I love horses.
2. I never did mind the little things.
3. Do you believe in an interventionist God?
4. I’ll be the judge of that!
5. Thanks for the warning
6. I don’t see how that is any of your business.

Always good to have tucked in your back pocket.

I’ve been meaning to pop by here to mention the passing of Dustbury, aka Charles Hill. I started blogging on my own domain in September 2001. I blogged and blogged but very few people paid attention to me. And then one day I got a pingback from a site called Dustbury.  Suddenly I was hanging with the cool kids… at least cool kids by my definition. I loved it when he deemed something I wrote funny enough to post on Dustbury.com. Made me feel special. On one of his world tours, he stopped by to visit. Got to meet the man in person!

Not sure exactly when it happened but it was an intersection of a bunch of things. Facebook, smartphones, the start of my own business, but I found myself posting less and less.  I kept up with Charles mainly on Facebook.

Couple years back, I knew he was struggling and so I started a GoFundMe for him. It did pretty well. Kept him going, I think.

Looking back, it seems to me it was this last year that it became super clear that he wasn’t doing good, wasn’t getting better, and he seemed ready to exit the world.

He posted a blog entry of a rearview mirror reflecting a graveyard. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Couple days later Dawn Eden messaged me that he was in a car accident and passed away.

Charles was so prolific… but it was on his blog. All his time and effort and beauty, rendered in 1s and 0s. I keep visiting, wanting a new post, dreading a 404. Everything is ephemeral.

It was over 5 years ago, I found myself sitting at the dinner table– pregnant, with a husband, and two stepdaughters and I thought– how the hell did I get here?

This morning, I loaded JE onto the school bus and I turned to get JR into the car to drive him to his preschool and as I juggled backpacks and lunch boxes, I thought– how the hell did I get here?

For the longest time, my life didn’t change. I lived in my condo — I went to work — I ate — I breathed. And then my dad died. Boom. But life kept moving forward. I met Ed and with him came big changes. JE and JR are constantly changing — growing — developing — progressing and I feel the onslaught of time more acutely than ever before.

October is almost over. It really is the fastest month, or so it seems.

Put my three-year-old on the school bus this morning for the first time. I know it was the right thing but I am also certain it’s insane too. Knowing what I am going through, I wonder how the heck my mother handled everything when I was a kid.

It’s 2 and all I want to do is get my babies — work? What’s that?

To do: Powerwalk and listen to Wayne Dyer or similar ilk. I need a religion. I was considering checking out a Unitarian church but after some google research I discovered it’s more political than religious… and politics is something I want to escape entirely.

I just want a place to go, once a week, where I can be quiet, self-reflective, hear someone speak about better ways of thinking, dealing, being, planning, leading, and envisioning.

My trainer said that I am doing a great job of getting my body strong but I also need to work on my head/spirituality. He tells me to go to church and pray. To trust in God.

And somehow, it does resonate with me. I want to find faith/spirituality. I just don’t want to hear about a father who sacrifices the fatted calf because his asshole son is back from whoring it up in the city. I don’t want to hear about floods and ships full of animals, or tablets, or sacrifices made on mountaintops stopped at the last second.

It doesn’t seem like the type of church I want is out there and so I am left to powerwalking and listening to Wayne Dyer.