Easter wishes

Friday was a good day for me. I felt totally normal. I had 4 hours of consulting time scheduled and I was “on.” Everything felt right. Saturday arrived and I spent a good part of it crying. I suppose that is how it will be from now on, good days and bad.

Easter without dad was plain weird. We decided not to do an Easter basket this year. Instead we ordered Pirohi and White Borscht soup from Rozmaryn Restaurant in Trenton. Mom bought Kielbasa from Johnny’s and made potato salad. The three of us sat around the dining room table and ate quietly. After the meal, we drove to Belmar with Bo and walked along the shore. It was cute seeing Bo frolic in the sand.

Back at home with Mom and Lisa, we watched RuPaul’s Drag Race and I practically wet myself when he had the two remaining Drag Queens lip sync for their lives!

Driving to my place, Earth Angel came on the radio and tears came to my eyes. I remembered back when I was in 4th or 5th grade, Lisa and I bought a boom box from Best. We had saved 50.00 and knew exactly which one we wanted. We found it in the Sunday circular. Dad drove us and as we pointed to the one we wanted, Dad scoffed. He said we should get a better model… heck, the best model! He gave us the difference and we got an awesome unit that to this day sits in my bedroom.
RX-5050

It had a tape deck and I quickly got into the habit of recording music straight from the radio. I was addicted to Oldies 98.1 and one night I taped Earth Angel. My father heard me playing it over and over again and he came into my bedroom. He sat down with me on the floor and together we sang Earth Angel. Gosh I miss him.

Pysanky Sign

Woke up this morning rather late. Made coffee. Sat down in the parlor. Picked up a framed photo of my father and Aunt Helen. Told my dad how much I missed him. Placed the framed photo back on the table and noticed there was a pysanky egg on the ground. I picked it up and saw two other eggs on the ground. I put them back on the plate that sits on the table where I display them. How did the eggs get on the ground? The other eggs on the plate looked a bit disheveled. I don’t recall bumping into the table or doing anything that would have caused three eggs to jump off the plate and land 2 feet over. Very strange.

Hello out there

I am sitting here being entirely unproductive. I am tired even though I slept well last night. There’s a pile of checks and bills that need processing and I don’t want to do it.

I don’t know if you experience it but when I drink too much and I act silly, there remains a voice of reason inside of me, chastising me for my misdeeds. I hear that voice right now saying, “Stop this stupid grieving, get on with your life! There’s business to be done!” I so want to listen to her. And yet I can’t seem to focus and everything is overwhelming me.

My house is freezing cold. That happens when you turn off the heat. Guess it’s time to turn it back on.

I saw Atlas Shrugged. It’s not a great movie but I appreciate what the filmmakers tried to accomplish. I liked it. People who get it will love it, everyone else will dismiss it.

I feel out of joint. It’s not yet noon but it feels like 4 to me. Maybe a cup of tea will help?

jeden Tag ein bisschen besser

It’s weird but I keep thinking I am going to wake up and find that it was just one big bad dream. Maybe that’s why the mornings are so hard. I miss him so much. But life goes on.

Things are coming into focus for me. Things I ignored, things I accepted… life is short and there are no “do overs.” I am making changes in my life.

Raining and raining

Last night the weather was intense. The rain came down so hard it actually came through a window and my back door.

I want to see Atlas Shrugged… for myself but also because my dad is responsible for turning me on to Ayn Rand years ago and I know how much he would have loved to see the movie.

This morning I tried to go through my email. There is so much. It’s over a week’s worth because the week before dad died was a week I spent out of the office. It’s so daunting. I keep pushing away from my desk because it feels like the emails are crushing me.

The sun came out today. I hope it stays out. I need some sunshine. I want to go to Belmar and I want to go to the Miraculous Medal Novena. Instead I will fulfill orders for my online business. I’ll do those other things next week or during the week.

My father took me to that Novena each time there was a turning point in my life. And everything always worked out okay. I need to get over there.

Halupki Comforts

Spent yesterday with my mom, Lisa, and cousins who are visiting from Chicago. We walked around Princeton and then drove into Trenton to a Polish restaurant for some Carpatho-Rusnak soul food… Halupki, pierohi, keibasa, and potato pancakes. The place looked like a hole in the wall and I was nervous going inside but once the door swung open, it was like we stepped right into the Ukraine, or Poland or Slovakia. My dad would have LOVED IT!

It’s a week today. I watched the hands of the clock slowly inch toward 7:30 AM and I thought back to everything that occurred one week ago, namely, my dad’s final breath. I got off easy. I think of my mom and Lisa and what they went through and I could cry just thinking of them. But they are doing fine.

Monday is going to be the real turning point. That’s when the house empties and our lives go back to usual… or the way usual will be from now on. The house will be quiet. Life will go on, somehow.

Memorial End

We got through it. So many people attended. It was really very nice. There is a lot of kindness in this world. It was odd at the end, gathering all the pictures and picking up my the box that held my dad’s remains and driving home. The box was so much heavier than I ever imagined. I am not looking forward to actually opening up the box. Will his gold tooth be there amongst the ashes and other.. stuff? I guess there is still time to warm up to that concept. Who knows when we will actually get to the shore… not this weekend, I can’t do it now. Maybe in a week or two.

My dad was such a big man, physically, mentally, and in personality. His absence is huge. I simply don’t have the words to describe what I am feeling. All I am doing is crying which is silly since tears can’t bring him back.

Tomorrow is here

I woke up and the sun was shining. The shower was wet and the coffee, hot. My dress is black. I bought it years ago for one of those fancy events I used to host for my old job. I started wearing the gold chain my dad bought me back in college again. I find it oddly soothing. The time to leave is drawing near. It will be hard but I think I can hold it together. People will ask, “How are you?” and I’ll reply, “I will be fine.”

I will be fine.