“I’ll forgive but I’ll never forget.”

I just read an article all about forgiveness, which is something I am struggling with right now. I keep thinking I am at the point of being over the indiscretion but then another wave of anger, disappointment, hurt, and betrayal wafts over me and I realize I am not even close.

Yeah, I am angry. I am hurt… unbelievably hurt. I feel betrayed, lied to and discarded. I want to scream and punch and kick and cry. And above everything else I am embarrassed. Especially when everyone says, “Yeah, doesn’t surprise me, I was wondering when it would happen.” Clearly, once again, I put myself in a ridiculously silly situation obvious to everyone, oblivious to me.

At any rate, according to the article, once the anger settles, I need to accept what has been done.

…Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyze it. It happened. This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact that you can’t change.

Last night I decided getting out and meeting people is probably the best way to get past the anger. I am going to formulate a strategy and I am going to execute it with intensity.

“Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action and purpose.”

Lance Armstrong (1971 – )

I am going to just do it. I am going to get past the anger and accept it. I am going to move on.

Yesterday I went to a local beerfest. Drank more beer than usual but not enough for shame to be visited upon my family. The festival took place inside a large tent and standing smack dab in the middle was my old German teacher from 1989-1990. I approached him and was surprised that he remembered me. It’s funny how 20+ years changes a person.

I attended the beerfest with Lisa and her friend Christina. Christina has a profile on PlentyofFish.com and she recommended I get on it too. I don’t think it is something I can handle right now. In fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle it. As more days pile on, I may become more comfortable with the situation and open to putting myself out there. Right now my plan is to take it a day at a time.

I woke up yesterday with a stiff neck and sore back. Wish I knew what I did to get myself into such position. I’ve been popping pills and using a heat pad in a fruitless attempt to return to my normal self. Passage of time is the only real solution. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.

I am burning a peppermint candle and sipping on Oolong tea, trying to get myself ready to do some intense work I have been delaying for too long. I just read an article that said Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a love child and that’s one of the reasons for his separation from his wife, Maria Shriver. A friend of mine split with her husband a year and a half ago (after 25 years of marriage) and I am continually amazed at the crap he continues to put her through. What is wrong with people? Why is it so hard to be nice to your wife? I keep trying to remind myself that it’s not just men. Women can be indecent too. Whether it’s the man or a woman, how can a person be so cruel? That is the question I keep asking myself.

I may still have a ton of laundry to do but I can happily say that I can now see the floor of my bedroom! The clothes that were littering the floor have been sorted and organized!

I feel like a success! Except I still have a lot more to do. Ugh!

Went to Starbucks for a meeting with a potential business partner. I saw a woman there who was clearly blind about her outward facing appearance. Her hair was styled in a manner that resembled the hairstyles from the late 1980’s. The bangs were curled and sprayed to look like a poodle puff. Her eyes were UNDERLINED with black kohl pencil. My eyes didn’t travel much further below her neck. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE THINKING? Why isn’t her hair stylist telling her it’s time for a change? Or even her friends? How is it that this woman doesn’t seem to notice she is the only person still wearing her hair and makeup in this fashion?

Just saw a status update on LinkedIn that read: U must give 100% of your effort 100% of the time in all that U do.

If a person is insisting on 100% effort, shouldn’t they spell out you?

It’s one month, guys. Time flies when you’re crying. My daddy died a month ago today. It still feels like a dream. There’s a part of me that recognizes the permanence of the situation but there’s another part that thinks he’s off on vacation and a silly email will drop any second.

It’s strange.

One of the odd parts of the whole situation is the cards we’ve received… from total strangers that knew my father from message boards and forums. You thought I was the only one with an online lifestyle? HA! My dad was a freakin’ Internet celebrity, apparently. Technology has changed everything.

And my life is totally different. It’s funny how death has a way of making you re-prioritize things. Life is short. If the road you’re on isn’t leading you to your destination of choice… or if you suspect it’s taking you on an extremely roundabout way that may never get you there, it’s time to change route, right? I changed route. Or maybe I changed vehicle? I don’t know.

This is going to sound weird but I feel a lot like I did when I was fired… in 2006.

I miss my dad. I miss that dynamic. I miss that outlet. I miss that support. I miss that feeling of wholeness and unconditional love.

An invitation came to work on a boat and I said yes. Sunday morning arrived with a knock on my door and next thing I know I was in Belmar. With a couple rags and a roller, I helped wax and paint a fishing boat. It was fun in a way something new and different can be. I got a free lunch of a slice of pizza and bottle of Sprite AND the promise of fish once one is caught. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday although I think I’d prefer to spend it on the boat on the water, but I suppose that happens later.

Mother’s Day spanned the whole weekend for my mom. I made dinner Friday AND Saturday. On Friday I made my famous halusky and on Saturday I made my famous skillet pizza with broccoli rabe and sausage. After my boat adventure yesterday, still covered in specks of cuprous sulfate, I gathered Lisa and Mom and we went out to eat at our new favorite restaurant, Rozmaryn’s in Trenton. This place has the most amazing Polish food AND the owner is so nice!

On Saturday I went shopping. I bought two green plastic Adirondack chairs from Lowes. It’s true I had four wooden Adirondack chairs that I loved but I gave them away last Fall. Looking back, I really can’t figure out why. At any rate, I have done nothing but miss those chairs and so I decided to go the cheap route and buy two plastic stackable ones. They look great outside my house. In fact, they look so awesome, Lisa bought two for Mom for Mother’s Day.

Now I just need to find plastic Adirondack ottomans!

My house is a mess. My inbox and to-do list are overloaded. I am being productive but not enough to get beyond everything. I now understand how some people embrace alcoholism, drugs or religion after a death of a loved one. It makes sense.

Lisa cut Bo’s fur on Sunday. It had gotten so long. His mane reached the floor! Lisa gave him a puppy cut and he looks so cute and happy. I’ll have to snap some pictures and post later.

It’s after 9am and I feel like I am in a bowl of jello. So much to do and all I want to do is stare out the window. I thought I was over this phase of disinterest?