“I’ll forgive but I’ll never forget.”
I just read an article all about forgiveness, which is something I am struggling with right now. I keep thinking I am at the point of being over the indiscretion but then another wave of anger, disappointment, hurt, and betrayal wafts over me and I realize I am not even close.
Yeah, I am angry. I am hurt… unbelievably hurt. I feel betrayed, lied to and discarded. I want to scream and punch and kick and cry. And above everything else I am embarrassed. Especially when everyone says, “Yeah, doesn’t surprise me, I was wondering when it would happen.” Clearly, once again, I put myself in a ridiculously silly situation obvious to everyone, oblivious to me.
At any rate, according to the article, once the anger settles, I need to accept what has been done.
…Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyze it. It happened. This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact that you can’t change.
Last night I decided getting out and meeting people is probably the best way to get past the anger. I am going to formulate a strategy and I am going to execute it with intensity.
“Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action and purpose.â€
Lance Armstrong (1971 – )
I am going to just do it. I am going to get past the anger and accept it. I am going to move on.
I don’t know how you’re coping with all this. Really I don’t. You have just experienced in short order, two of the worst situations the human Psyche can endure–betraying infidelity, and the death of a loved one.
The former just about did me in by itself. I’ve yet to experience the latter. The scars I carry today are a direct result of a serious “indiscretion” on the part of one of the only women I ever loved. Those feelings…being the last to know…embarrassment..rejection..naiveté–they form defense mechanisms if you are not careful with how you incorporate them. Trust me, I know because I’ve successfully been on the defense avoided a repeat ever since.
But that success comes with a price. Just ask the only 3 people in the world close to me how hard it was to get there. Or ask me to consider what wonderful life has been missed shying away from others for fear of rejection.
You have had so much emotions to deal with in recent months. I am keeping you in my prayers and I know you are a very strong woman and will do great because you will rise above all this and turn tragedy into triumph. It’s his loss, you were too much woman for him. Maybe a Nikita marathon might be in order too.
I am beginning to worry that indiscretion was the wrong word… I was not cheated on. My emotions and needs at a very difficult time were discarded. I was discarded.
My bad. What happens when you “assume”.
My bad… I wasn’t clear enough, it sounds like I was cheated on and I wasn’t… or at least I am not aware of it.
I feel your pain, to wit:
On March 22, 2003 I was told by a cardiologist that an artery was 90% blocked. On March 25 I underwent an angioplasty and had stents implaced in my Left Anterior Descending artery (the so-called “widow-maker” artery….cute and comforting nickname, huh?) Three days later, while I’m recuperating at home and seriously contemplating my mortality for the first time, I learn that my mom has taken her own life. So trust me, some of us know all about freakishly bad timing and acute mental distress. My prescription: lean heavily on friends, family, and clergy, and stay busy. Meditate, breath deeply, visualize. You have a dog? Think about getting more pets…get as many as you need. Also consider a change of scenery. Like Teddy Roosevelt (who lost his wife and mom on the same day!!!!) I moved from Texas to North Freaking Dakota of all places (not exactly a great destination, unless you love blizzards, frostbite, lefse, and lutefisk). ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS look forward and think constructively no matter what. You’ve reached an age where reality is beginning to really bite. Re: “forgiveness”. It’s very hard to deal with some grudges. I don’t believe in “forgiving”….I believe in moving away from the source of distress and trying to forget. DON’T LOOK BACK.
Some very apropos lyrics from the rock group Boston…
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/boston/dont+look+back_20023073.html
Say what? Hey, I should be getting a phone call before I read this here! What’s goin on girl? Call me! By the way, I saw an article this week on Procrastination and the reasons why we do it, and ripped it out of the magazine at the gym. I was going to read it and forward it on to you, but I haven’t yet (ha, that is actually not a joke).
Just dealing with the smorgasbord. Most evenings I am fine but there are times when I just want to put my fist through the wall and I write and a few hours later I am fine.