Spent yesterday with my mom, Lisa, and cousins who are visiting from Chicago. We walked around Princeton and then drove into Trenton to a Polish restaurant for some Carpatho-Rusnak soul food… Halupki, pierohi, keibasa, and potato pancakes. The place looked like a hole in the wall and I was nervous going inside but once the door swung open, it was like we stepped right into the Ukraine, or Poland or Slovakia. My dad would have LOVED IT!

It’s a week today. I watched the hands of the clock slowly inch toward 7:30 AM and I thought back to everything that occurred one week ago, namely, my dad’s final breath. I got off easy. I think of my mom and Lisa and what they went through and I could cry just thinking of them. But they are doing fine.

Monday is going to be the real turning point. That’s when the house empties and our lives go back to usual… or the way usual will be from now on. The house will be quiet. Life will go on, somehow.

We got through it. So many people attended. It was really very nice. There is a lot of kindness in this world. It was odd at the end, gathering all the pictures and picking up my the box that held my dad’s remains and driving home. The box was so much heavier than I ever imagined. I am not looking forward to actually opening up the box. Will his gold tooth be there amongst the ashes and other.. stuff? I guess there is still time to warm up to that concept. Who knows when we will actually get to the shore… not this weekend, I can’t do it now. Maybe in a week or two.

My dad was such a big man, physically, mentally, and in personality. His absence is huge. I simply don’t have the words to describe what I am feeling. All I am doing is crying which is silly since tears can’t bring him back.

I woke up and the sun was shining. The shower was wet and the coffee, hot. My dress is black. I bought it years ago for one of those fancy events I used to host for my old job. I started wearing the gold chain my dad bought me back in college again. I find it oddly soothing. The time to leave is drawing near. It will be hard but I think I can hold it together. People will ask, “How are you?” and I’ll reply, “I will be fine.”

I will be fine.

Tomorrow is my dad’s memorial service and I am not looking forward to it. The thought of having to relive Saturday over and over again because people will invariably ask about it, frightens me. The thought of breaking down in front of people scares me. The whole sledgehammer realization of the finality of this horrific situation freaks me out. I don’t know how it came to this. Everything was awesome. And then this happens.

My dad died Saturday morning. He hadn’t been feeling well for about a week. On Monday he scheduled an appointment with the doctor for 2pm. I stopped by and kept him company as he waited for his appointment time to arrive. We had lunch and talked about my book and business. The doctor said his heart was fine and ordered him to get a chest x-ray. Wednesday I had a full day of presentations and appointments. PB had a tradeshow in Atlantic City and he brought back a White House Hoagie for my parents. Thursday I surprised my dad with the White House for dinner. The chest x-ray came back as normal. We went up to his office and talked and then we watched a little bit of 2 and a half men. I took off before the show ended. On Friday I stopped by and had dinner. I noticed my dad’s face looked really red. I told him he had color and was looking good. He said he felt terrible. I kissed him good bye and went home to my place.

Saturday morning I made myself granola and coffee and went up to my office. I noticed my phone was ringing which was odd for 7:30 Saturday morning. It was Lisa. She was hysterical. She said Dad fell down. I tore down the stairs, threw on flip flops and a trench coat over my pajamas and broke every traffic law getting home. There were two ambulances and two police cars at the curb. I don’t remember parking my car, I just was in the house… which explains why the neighbor came by later with my keys and said she turned off my car which had been left idling in front of her house.

It wasn’t more than an hour later that the doctor told us dad had died.

I knew it would happen. But I thought it was out in the future. He was only 73. And he took such awesome care of himself. I thought I’d have him for another 20 years. And now he is only in the past. No more future. I am destroyed. I am totally and utterly destroyed inside.

Last night I went home to my parents’ house for dinner. My mom made spaghetti and meatballs and sausage. My father said to me, “Did you see those comments on your blog? They are hysterical!”

“Aren’t they great? Mine is the only blog where the commenters are more entertaining than the blog itself.”

We laughed and my dad said, “Yeah, your blog is boring but those guys make it entertaining.”

My dad died this morning. And I am numb.