Category Archives: Links my father sent me

Hoagies and love

At noon I could take the hunger pangs no more so I got in my car and drove to Wawa where I bought an Italian hoagie. Sitting at my kitchen table, I unwrapped the sloppy sandwich and abruptly broke into tears. All I could think about was my father. Ever since I was a little girl he and I would go to Wawa and buy an Italian hoagie to share. In fact, two days before he died, I surprised him with an Italian hoagie from the White House in Atlantic City. We sat together and talked about my book and business as we ate. I had no idea I would only see him one more time alive.

I miss him so much.

Like freakin’ Sisyphus

All day I spent working my way through my email. You see, I’ve been beyond backed up since Daddy died. Each day I’d try to clear away some of the rubble but new mail kept coming in and the old stuff kept getting buried. I think I understand why postal workers go postal.

At any rate, I just made my way down to the last email my dad sent me. It was simply a link with the subject line, This is hard to believe. And now I can’t stop crying. It’s insane how incomplete I feel.

Pysanky Sign

Woke up this morning rather late. Made coffee. Sat down in the parlor. Picked up a framed photo of my father and Aunt Helen. Told my dad how much I missed him. Placed the framed photo back on the table and noticed there was a pysanky egg on the ground. I picked it up and saw two other eggs on the ground. I put them back on the plate that sits on the table where I display them. How did the eggs get on the ground? The other eggs on the plate looked a bit disheveled. I don’t recall bumping into the table or doing anything that would have caused three eggs to jump off the plate and land 2 feet over. Very strange.

Hello out there

I am sitting here being entirely unproductive. I am tired even though I slept well last night. There’s a pile of checks and bills that need processing and I don’t want to do it.

I don’t know if you experience it but when I drink too much and I act silly, there remains a voice of reason inside of me, chastising me for my misdeeds. I hear that voice right now saying, “Stop this stupid grieving, get on with your life! There’s business to be done!” I so want to listen to her. And yet I can’t seem to focus and everything is overwhelming me.

My house is freezing cold. That happens when you turn off the heat. Guess it’s time to turn it back on.

I saw Atlas Shrugged. It’s not a great movie but I appreciate what the filmmakers tried to accomplish. I liked it. People who get it will love it, everyone else will dismiss it.

I feel out of joint. It’s not yet noon but it feels like 4 to me. Maybe a cup of tea will help?

jeden Tag ein bisschen besser

It’s weird but I keep thinking I am going to wake up and find that it was just one big bad dream. Maybe that’s why the mornings are so hard. I miss him so much. But life goes on.

Things are coming into focus for me. Things I ignored, things I accepted… life is short and there are no “do overs.” I am making changes in my life.

Raining and raining

Last night the weather was intense. The rain came down so hard it actually came through a window and my back door.

I want to see Atlas Shrugged… for myself but also because my dad is responsible for turning me on to Ayn Rand years ago and I know how much he would have loved to see the movie.

This morning I tried to go through my email. There is so much. It’s over a week’s worth because the week before dad died was a week I spent out of the office. It’s so daunting. I keep pushing away from my desk because it feels like the emails are crushing me.

The sun came out today. I hope it stays out. I need some sunshine. I want to go to Belmar and I want to go to the Miraculous Medal Novena. Instead I will fulfill orders for my online business. I’ll do those other things next week or during the week.

My father took me to that Novena each time there was a turning point in my life. And everything always worked out okay. I need to get over there.

Halupki Comforts

Spent yesterday with my mom, Lisa, and cousins who are visiting from Chicago. We walked around Princeton and then drove into Trenton to a Polish restaurant for some Carpatho-Rusnak soul food… Halupki, pierohi, keibasa, and potato pancakes. The place looked like a hole in the wall and I was nervous going inside but once the door swung open, it was like we stepped right into the Ukraine, or Poland or Slovakia. My dad would have LOVED IT!

It’s a week today. I watched the hands of the clock slowly inch toward 7:30 AM and I thought back to everything that occurred one week ago, namely, my dad’s final breath. I got off easy. I think of my mom and Lisa and what they went through and I could cry just thinking of them. But they are doing fine.

Monday is going to be the real turning point. That’s when the house empties and our lives go back to usual… or the way usual will be from now on. The house will be quiet. Life will go on, somehow.

Memorial End

We got through it. So many people attended. It was really very nice. There is a lot of kindness in this world. It was odd at the end, gathering all the pictures and picking up my the box that held my dad’s remains and driving home. The box was so much heavier than I ever imagined. I am not looking forward to actually opening up the box. Will his gold tooth be there amongst the ashes and other.. stuff? I guess there is still time to warm up to that concept. Who knows when we will actually get to the shore… not this weekend, I can’t do it now. Maybe in a week or two.

My dad was such a big man, physically, mentally, and in personality. His absence is huge. I simply don’t have the words to describe what I am feeling. All I am doing is crying which is silly since tears can’t bring him back.

Tomorrow is here

I woke up and the sun was shining. The shower was wet and the coffee, hot. My dress is black. I bought it years ago for one of those fancy events I used to host for my old job. I started wearing the gold chain my dad bought me back in college again. I find it oddly soothing. The time to leave is drawing near. It will be hard but I think I can hold it together. People will ask, “How are you?” and I’ll reply, “I will be fine.”

I will be fine.

Memorial

Tomorrow is my dad’s memorial service and I am not looking forward to it. The thought of having to relive Saturday over and over again because people will invariably ask about it, frightens me. The thought of breaking down in front of people scares me. The whole sledgehammer realization of the finality of this horrific situation freaks me out. I don’t know how it came to this. Everything was awesome. And then this happens.