Aquarium Dreams

I dreamt I found an aquarium full of fish in my bedroom’s walk-in closet. Upon closer inspection, I realized I had purchased it years ago and promptly forgot all about it. I was surprised to see that most of the fish had survived despite my total neglect. Peering into the tank I noted that there were a few dead fish floating and one very large fish lay at the bottom of the tank, semi-eaten. Perhaps they survived as long as they had by nibbling at this large fish?

“I wonder if I should change the water?” I said aloud.

“Yes, that would be a very good idea,” replied the one fish.

I lifted the aquarium out of the closet and walked it to my kitchen. I spilled out the water and sorted through the fish, discarding the dead ones. I filled the tank with tap water only to observe the remaining fish convulsing terribly. It dawned on me that the reason they were able to survive as long as they had was that they were salt water fish! I immediately remembered that I owned a salt pump and I used it to turn the fresh, tap water into saltwater. The fish recovered quickly. The talking fish asked me to lift her out of the water and take her shopping since she never experienced dry land having spent her entire life living in my closet. I very gingerly cupped my hands around her and removed her from the aquarium. Together we went to the old I-95 Flea Market (that closed down probably around 20 years ago) and shopped for fish finders and earrings.

Forgiving and Forgetting

“I’ll forgive but I’ll never forget.”

I just read an article all about forgiveness, which is something I am struggling with right now. I keep thinking I am at the point of being over the indiscretion but then another wave of anger, disappointment, hurt, and betrayal wafts over me and I realize I am not even close.

Yeah, I am angry. I am hurt… unbelievably hurt. I feel betrayed, lied to and discarded. I want to scream and punch and kick and cry. And above everything else I am embarrassed. Especially when everyone says, “Yeah, doesn’t surprise me, I was wondering when it would happen.” Clearly, once again, I put myself in a ridiculously silly situation obvious to everyone, oblivious to me.

At any rate, according to the article, once the anger settles, I need to accept what has been done.

…Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyze it. It happened. This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact that you can’t change.

Last night I decided getting out and meeting people is probably the best way to get past the anger. I am going to formulate a strategy and I am going to execute it with intensity.

“Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action and purpose.”

Lance Armstrong (1971 – )

I am going to just do it. I am going to get past the anger and accept it. I am going to move on.

Sore Neck and Weird Dreams

My neck and back are still sore. I have a friend who is a massage therapist, I may have to hire her. The last two nights were full of freaky weird dreams. I don’t know what’s going on in my brain. Maybe it’s the muscle aches.

I am making some good strides in getting life and work organized. One of my goals is to buy a new desk but I am really torn as to what kind of desk I should purchase. There’s a part of me that just wants a nice Ikea desk… y’know, to replace the nice Ikea desk I’ve been using since 1985. There’s another part of me that thinks I will regret going that route and instead I should buy a real desk. The problem is I can’t seem to find any real desks out there… at least any that I like. What to do, what to do!

Is it just me or does this not seem like any improvement over what I already have?Future Desk

Plenty of fish in the sea

Yesterday I went to a local beerfest. Drank more beer than usual but not enough for shame to be visited upon my family. The festival took place inside a large tent and standing smack dab in the middle was my old German teacher from 1989-1990. I approached him and was surprised that he remembered me. It’s funny how 20+ years changes a person.

I attended the beerfest with Lisa and her friend Christina. Christina has a profile on PlentyofFish.com and she recommended I get on it too. I don’t think it is something I can handle right now. In fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle it. As more days pile on, I may become more comfortable with the situation and open to putting myself out there. Right now my plan is to take it a day at a time.

I woke up yesterday with a stiff neck and sore back. Wish I knew what I did to get myself into such position. I’ve been popping pills and using a heat pad in a fruitless attempt to return to my normal self. Passage of time is the only real solution. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.

Tea, Candle, Despair

I am burning a peppermint candle and sipping on Oolong tea, trying to get myself ready to do some intense work I have been delaying for too long. I just read an article that said Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a love child and that’s one of the reasons for his separation from his wife, Maria Shriver. A friend of mine split with her husband a year and a half ago (after 25 years of marriage) and I am continually amazed at the crap he continues to put her through. What is wrong with people? Why is it so hard to be nice to your wife? I keep trying to remind myself that it’s not just men. Women can be indecent too. Whether it’s the man or a woman, how can a person be so cruel? That is the question I keep asking myself.

The floor! I can see the FLOOR!

I may still have a ton of laundry to do but I can happily say that I can now see the floor of my bedroom! The clothes that were littering the floor have been sorted and organized!

I feel like a success! Except I still have a lot more to do. Ugh!