I am doing better today. Sure, I still feel absolutely hopeless, scared and sick regarding my quota which I am nowhere near hitting for May.. and June ain’t looking too good either. Yesterday I got home at 7:30 and I immediately crawled into bed and stayed there until morning. Today I refused to let myself get close to my bed. Instead I watered my plants and I made a grocery list. Before I go to the grocery store, my plan is to try to input some of my receipts into an expense report. And as I type this I am steaming dumplings and I threw in a handful of edamame– normally I boil edamame but I figured I’d be adventurous. Turns out, a body in motion stays in motion. I just needed to push myself. How many times have I given this advice to Lisa? Funny how forgetful one can be when dealing with oneself.

Has anyone read about the Newsom/Christian murders? Oh my dear God it is horrible. I can’t imagine the horror, terror, and pain those two kids felt. What could possibly have fueled this horror? My heart goes out to their family. Reading things like this puts my own issues into perspective.

I arrived home at 7:30. I placed my coffee mug on the kitchen sink and entered my bedroom. I grabbed my laptop and checked my email and I transfered Lisa’s old domain from the crazy Indian Family to Dreamhost. Laying in bed, I thought about how I could do a load of laundry or steam some dumplings. Instead, I just stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling. My stomach started growling so I went into the kitchen and ate a coconut chocolate paddy my mom brought back from her recent trip to Savannah. I crawled back into bed thinking about doing my expenses. I grabbed the computer and started typing this entry. No wonder I accomplish zip.

Oddly, when there are people around, I am much more energetic. When I am alone, as I am now, I hibernate.

I must do something nice for my neighbors Joe and Walt. Last week the Donnavilla suffered an infestation. Mice. Horrible, I know. Luckily they are just in the attic and walls. The exterminator arrived while I was at work leaving Lisa all alone to deal with him. In wonderful, neighborly fashion, Joe and Walt came by and helped Lisa deal with the exterminator. Now I want to do something to thank them. I am thinking about baking them each a loaf of prune bread. I think that would be a very nice gesture.

Mice infestation. I swear, it’s always something. If it’s not my car breaking down, it’s the heat pump or the dishwasher or vermin or something. There never seems to be a time when everything is just fine. And that’s true for my wants as well. I want to buy some summer clothes to refresh my already overflowing wardrobe. I want hardwood floors in the dining room and parlor. I want a nice wooden deck to replace my buckling patio. I want a Garmin GPS unit. As soon as I knock something off the list, at least three more things are added. Is this coming to a head because I watched Edward G Robinson in Brother Orchid the other day and I found myself envying the simple life of monks? I dunno.

It seems to me as if my life is out of my control. It shouldn’t be so difficult to manage everything yet I struggle. My laundry is rarely done, I can’t keep the kitchen clean, my mail is always unopened, the bathroom sink needs wiping, and my to do list is forever getting longer. I want to call my friends and bake bread and knit scarves and visit my neighbors and volunteer and exercise and travel but I don’t have time. I have no time for anything, that’s what I keep telling myself yet I honestly don’t know where the time goes. I regularly accomplish nothing. I go to work. I come home. I go to sleep. What happens in the meantime? I guess I am just lazy. I have to re-embrace Morita Therapy. JUST DO IT! Get off my lazy ass and get things accomplished. The thing is, how often do I say this? At least a couple times every year yet I always fall back into my old routine. Will this time be different? Will I suddenly transform into Martha Stewart? Capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound while baking brownies and washing the dishes? We shall see.

Woke up Saturday morning with a hunger in my belly. I walked to the little grocery store only to find they were out of English Muffins! The nerve! So I walked to Dunkin’ Donuts and bought 6 bagels for 4.99 and a tub of cream cheese for 2.99. Back at the Donnavilla, I brewed coffee and poached an egg and toasted a bagel. It was a very tasty meal.

Rob and I went to my High School this afternoon. My old High School puts on a very different prom than most. Instead of renting a hall, the kids decorate the school. It’s insane the work that goes into it. The afternoon of the prom, the doors open and everyone is welcome in to see how it looks. It was really wonderful. The theme this year is Under the Boardwalk and the school looked fantastic! I can’t help but reminisce over my old prom. I remember asking 4 different guys to take me. The first three, who believe me were not out of my league, refused. (I remember one of them said, “I wouldn’t take you.” I didn’t let it get me down and I kept hunting and finally the fourth one said, “Only if you pay your way.” Ka-CHING! I got me a date, MA! Looking back, I don’t know what made me so repellent but I am proud of my tenacity. I wanted so badly to go to the prom and I was going to go even if I had to get a relative to take me. As it is, I went to my prom and I remember having a very nice time. Was it the magical experience I had imagined? No. But at least I experienced it, and ultimately that is really all I wanted.

Why do Web sites have an intro flash animation? I have never once sat through one. I always click skip. It is such a waste of time. What is the point and why do people keep using them? My belief is it is an ego trip. “How wonderful! My name/company name in different typefaces, racing around a box– people are going to LOVE IT!”

So I am sitting here… my belly is full from the Italian hoagie I bought at WaWa’s and although I probably would have preferred a Yuengling, I went with a nice cab to wash it all down. (Believe it or not, this sentence makes perfect sense to a Philadelphian) At any rate, I am trying to think of what I can do before I sit down and try to memorize my speech that I am giving tomorrow and it just dawns on me… I HAVE A BLOG TO UPDATE! What the heck is happening to me? I once had to stop myself from blogging all the time and now I practically forget I have a blog. UGH! At any rate, I had such a nice weekend. I drove to the farm and finally met Rob’s friend Mike. Rob speaks of him constantly but because of his crazy schedule, we’ve never met. Somehow his schedule opened up on Friday and I got to meet him. Not that I said much to him because he and Rob were extremely busy playing metal and Waylon Jenning songs at a very high volume.

The next day, Rob and I drove to Dover, DE for his nephew’s graduation party. I got to meet Rob’s gigantic 9 sibling clan once again. After the party we kept driving south and hit Rehoboth Beach which Rob kept pronouncing as Re-Homo-Beach. I didn’t see much evidence of it. We didn’t stay very long mainly due to the 30 minute parking space we found and the overcast sky.

Sunday arrived almost as quickly as Monday. Rob was busy doing something and I ran to my car and grabbed my bamboo beach mats from the trunk and headed out to the one farm field. Rob followed a few minutes later carrying drinks and his guitar. The drink was so delish– he mixed Snapple Lime Green Tea with some Marti Mohito mix along with a wedge of lime. He laughed at me and said, “I was trying to figure out where we could go and what could we do on such a great day and then I realized, what’s better than the farm?” So that’s what we did. We lazed in the field and Rob played his guitar and it was pretty much perfect. The only problem is it ended and I had to go home and the work week started and everything is back in full swing.

I got a home a little earlier than usual. Just a 1/2 hour but it feels significant nonetheless. I want to get the house cleaned up and looking nice again. It never lasts. The mess is inevitable.

Rob said he would come by later after his hair cut and that’s a enough of a reason to get the house cleaned. I usually need a reason. Otherwise I am happy doing nothing about it. The one nice thing I have found is if I want to make my clutter seem insignificant, all I need to do is go into the loft where Lisa lives. It’s all relative.

I need to go and visit Aprille. My hair has gotten extremely long and I need the ends dusted. I learned that phrase from a magazine. It refers to getting the split ends cut off but leaving the original cut pretty much intact. I think I need a little bit more than a dusting.

I should make a midori cake. That would be so nice. A green cake dusted with powdered sugar rather than frosting since frosting is a bit of a bitch.

That’s it.

I HEART this song!

..but I despise Tawny Kitean. I think she looks slutty and I don’t like that. Plus, I still feel that she’s responsible for ousting Arleen Sorkin from hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos back in ’92. Arlene was, like, a thousand time better than Tawny and I have no doubt Tawny did some nasty things to a producer or two to get Arlene’s position.

Back to Here I go Again, the lyrics resonate with me. Of course, the lyrics to Who Stole the Kishka also resonate with me.

I need to start playing the lottery or gambling. Otherwise how else will I be able to quickly amass a fortune that will allow me to retire tomorrow? It’s not that I hate my job, I actually like it for the most part. I just prefer not working. I guess it’s between winning the lottery, continuing to work as usual or become a hobo. I read somewhere that in the song that I feel describes me and my nature best, Whitesnake’s Here I go Again, the line, “Like a drifter I was born to walk alone,” was originally written using the word hobo for drifter. This was quickly changed because when sung, it sounded like, “Like a homo I was born to walk alone…” I can see this not going down well with their core group of fans.

I have a morning meeting so I am not rushing around trying to catch my train. Instead I am leisurely taking my time until I am late and have to rush around like a maniac to drive to my morning appointment. At least I am consistent.

My guitar playing is really getting so much better. I am finding that I am memorizing the finger positions so much easier this time than last time. I think the reason is I was more concerned with looking like Judy Collins than playing like Judy Collins. I have E minor, G natural and A down pretty good. Rob says I need another chord or two and I can start playing the Moody Blues song Nights in White Satin! I just gotta practice– practice makes perfect. I told Rob he had better watch out because I might surpass his guitar playing skills. Can you believe he laughed at me?

“Don’t get cocky, kid!”