Category Archives: baby boom

More Wedding stuff

The Rivers Rockabilly Trio will be performing at my wedding. Stu asked me what song would I like them to play during the recessional. I replied, “I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock n Roll”

Well, I think it’s a hoot. Not sure if everyone else will agree.

Wedding & Baby Stuff

Elvis and babyWedding is coming up quickly… less than 3 weeks. Lots of shit hitting the fan. Family members cancelling last minute. Forgetting to include other ones. Other stuff I don’t even want to think about.

I guess it’s all normal.

When anyone says anything, I just reply, “Look, I’m pregnant, trying to plan a wedding, trying to sell two houses, trying to buy a new house… all while running and growing a business. Cut me a break.”

Just found out the other day that babies actually require feeding through the night. I honestly thought they ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner like regular people. With that said, I realize I clearly need to take some baby care classes.

What haven’t I blogged about… since I rarely blog anymore… Turned 39. Moved out of the Donnavilla. Living in New Jersey with my fiancee. My fiancee! After having spent decades identifying myself as a singleton/spinster/old maid, the thought of actually getting married is more strange than exciting. I find myself living a domesticated life. I make a healthy dinner for four that does not consist of a pickle, some triscuits and a beer. Sitting down to eat with Eddie and his two daughters, I think, “How the hell did I get here?”

It was less than a year ago that I was dating douche bags and trying to numb the feelings of sadness and loneliness that encompassed me by drinking 3 Buck Chuck and watching the same La Femme Nikita episodes over and over again.

And now I have a baby growing inside of me. And everyone seems to delight in telling me horrible things like:

  • You will shit while pushing the baby out.
  • A yellow pus-like liquid will come out of your breasts before the milk comes
  • Your breasts will get really hard and lumpy and sore from the baby suckling
  • The baby will have explosive shits that go up the back and into his hair
  • By not circumcising him, you’ll have to clean shit out of his foreskin
  • The baby will piss all over you… ALOT
  • Uncircumcised penises are prone to major infections and you might as well just cut off his penis and call him Betty.

I have to assume that there are some good things that happen too. Otherwise our race would have died out a long time ago, right?

I remain positive. I have no clue how I am going to do it but I will do it. I think it will be great. And quite honestly, I am ready for it. Shit and all.