I’ve got the post vacation blues. Lisa and I arrived back this afternoon and meeting us at the Philadelphia airport was the stress and tension that I thought I had left in Florida. At least I had a few easy days away from it all. Florida was very nice and Lisa and I had a blast. We spent quite a bit of time just zooming around in our rented convertible. Driving around the first day, Lisa turned to me and said, “These people from Florida have no clue how to drive!” I replied, “Lisa, they aren’t ‘people from Florida,’ they’re FLORIDIANS.” Lisa answered, “Floridians? FLOR-IDIOTS is more like it” The rest of the time, each time we were cut off or witnessed some truly awful vehicle maneuver, we would laugh and say, ” FLOR-IDIOT!” The one thing odd I noticed about Florida is the number of Walgreens and Denny’s restaurants. Every block there is a Walgreens and Denny’s. There must be a thousand of them. I can only assume it is because of all the old people living there.
Lisa and I had planned on staying in Key West the entire time, however we left 2 days early. Once you hit Sloppy Joes, Hog’s Breath Saloon, Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, Captain Tony’s, and Bull & Whistle– there really isn’t that much more to do. Sure we went on the Conch Tour train, visited Ernest Hemingway’s house, and paid for a ghost tour but, Key West is really about Duval Street and the bars. The one evening we walked around the Sunset Celebration and as it normally happens, I was pulled from the crowd by a street performer. The man wore a turban and looked a bit like Punjab from Annie. He was an escape artist and he asked that I sit on a stool and when he called my name, I should run over and dab the sweat from his brow. Some guys from the audience were then asked to chain him up, over his straight jacket, and hang him upside down. Right before he wrestled himself free, he asked if I would give him a kiss on his cheek for good luck. Oh, I didn’t want to kiss this man. I really didn’t want to kiss him. But I realized that it would be best just to kiss him on the cheek and get out of there rather than make a scene. Wouldn’t you know it, as I leaned in to give him a very, very fast peck, he turned his head and gave me a full mouth kiss. I was absolutely disgusted but I tried to maintain my composure. The entire audience screamed. “YUCK!” All I could do was remember that the American Social Health Association reports that more than one in five Americans over the age of 12 are infected with herpes-2. I turned and smiled sweetly at the crowd, trying my darndest to look unfazed; I then raced to the nearest bar and ordered a beer— alcohol kills germs and so I reasoned I was actually disinfecting myself from any possible contamination.
Lisa and I stayed at the Almond Tree Inn while we were in Key West. It was a nice little motel, but they apparently didn’t read the reservations Orbitz sent them. Instead of 2 queen size beds they gave us 1 king size bed. When I confronted them with my printed reservations, the man behind the counter shrugged and said, “we’re full and this is it, if you would like I can make reservations for you elsewhere.” BASTARD. They didn’t even offer a discount or anything. I was so hot and tired, I didn’t feel like fighting and we took the room. I suppose that is also the reason we left early. I will tell you this, if you are thinking about staying in Key West, get a motel room in the old city (near Duval Street). Don’t worry if you are by the ocean, it really doesn’t matter. All the places looked fine, you really can’t go wrong. Also, everything we booked through Orbitz gave us a bitch of a time. Almond Tree said, “If you wanted 2 double beds, you should have booked through our Web site.” Sunshine Car Rental said, “If you had booked the car through our Web site and not Orbitz you wouldn’t have had to pay us so much.” This, of course, pissed me off but it is a warning to all of you who, like me, thought the little Thunderbird marionette Orbitz commercials were cute— book directly, it will save you money and aggravation.

Okay, so here is the itinerary, if you care:
August 6, Wednesday. Stayed at the Deerfield Embassy Suites. Company sponsored dinner by the pool
August 7, Thursday. First official day of my vacation. Spent the day at the beach. Drove around Deerfield and Fort Lauderdale. Lunch at the Greek restaurant, Athena by the Sea. Dinner at the hotel with colleagues.
August 8, Friday. Drove to Key West. (5 hour drive). Ate tuna cakes and a chicken quesadilla at Kelly’s Bar and Grill by the beach. (This restaurant is owned by Kelly McGillis!) Sunset Celebration fiasco.
August 9, Saturday. Ate Conch Chowder at Sloppy Joes. Toured the Hemingway House. Rode the Conch Tour Train. Ate dinner at the Casa Cayo Hueso Cuban Restaurant. (If you have never had Cuban food, you really must try it. This was my second exposure to it and it was fabulous. The food looks pretty ugly but it tastes fabulous!)
August 10, Sunday. Left Key West and drove to Fort Lauderdale. Visited the Coral Castle created by a crazed Latvian named Ed. Dinner at Flanigan’s restaurant in Deerfield Beach (although they have a ton of other locations). The food was incredible- ribs and wings, certainly no place for a vegetarian but for the carnivore/omnivore it was heaven! If you are ever in South Florida, stop in. Dessert was Peppermint Stick Ice cream from the Howard Johnson’s ice cream parlor across the street. Can I tell you that I would happily sacrifice any chance of happiness with a man, if I knew that I could easily obtain a daily bowl of Peppermint Stick ice cream?
August 11, Monday. Spent the morning on the Beach. Lunch at another Greek restaurant, Ferdo’s. The sign said, “Home of the greatest Kebab” I mistakenly thought it was Turkish and was hoping for a Doner Kebab. Regardless of the mix up, the food was good. Drove to South Beach and gaped at the Art Deco Historical District. Spent 20.00 on 4 beers at Senor Frogs…. I still cringe when I think of the bill. Back at Fort Lauderdale, we went outlet shopping. Bought a pretty Gap dress for 6.00! Also found Rittersport chocolate! Saw a rainbow as we drove back to the Ramada. In the late evening we went to Shooters for beer and appetizers. Very nice place, good atmosphere. Something strange happened at Shooters. A young blonde woman came up to Lisa and me and told us we should visit La Bare Strip Club. I smiled and told her, “another time, maybe.” Then it dawned on me that she might have meant a female strip club and I became very worried. I said to the bartender, “La Bare, is it naked men or naked women?” Luckily he replied, “naked men.” I have never understood the reason for strip clubs for women. If a woman wants to see a naked man, all she has to do is ask.
August 12, Tuesday. Breakfast at Dunkin Donuts, got film developed, and shopped for gifts. Spent afternoon at the beach. Sunburned and pink. Went to Los Olas Blvd and Riverwalk. Back to Flanigan’s for dinner (it was so good, we went back for more!). Back to Howard Johnson for Peppermint Stick Ice Cream (ditto). Drank diet coke at a beach side bar and watched the full moon illuminate the ocean… tried to enjoy the last few moments of my vacation.
August 13, Wednesday. Ordered a Lumberjack Slam at Denny’s and ate approximately 1/3 of it. Returned the car. Shuttled to the airport. Flew home.