Yesterday my father instructed me not to buy him a tiny little ice cream cake. He wants a big ice cream cake. This puts me in an odd situation. The ice cream shop where I buy our holiday cakes, has 2 different types of cakes. The fancy, candy-ice cream cake that my father loves and the regular ice cream cake, that isn’t very special. The fancy ice cream cake comes in 1 size. The regular ice cream cake comes in many sizes. If I go home with a large regular ice cream cake, my father will tell me he wanted the fancy cake. If I walk in with a fancy cake, he will tell me he wanted a large cake. So I am thinking maybe I will buy 2 fancy cakes but that will most likely prompt the response, “I wanted a big cake, not two tiny little cakes!” I am caught in a Catch 22. Grrrrrr

Gosh, I had such fun yesterday. Audra called around noon and we made plans to catch an early showing of the Stepford Wives. Unfortunately, traffic made it impossible to get to the theater on time and so instead we stopped at a Chi Chi’s. The bar looked as if it hadn’t been renovated since the early 80’s and best of all, it was KARAOKE night. Audge and I got up and belted out It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones and let me tell you, the crowd loved us! For an encore, we did the Dukes of Hazzard Theme Song. We brought down the house.

After Karaoke, Lisa and I went to Acme and bought a birthday cake for her friend and fellow manager at the Inn of the Hawk, Brian. We gathered all the staff behind the restaurant and surprised Brian with the cake. I think he was touched.

On Fridays, Lisa and I usually go to the Logan Inn but since we were at the Hawk, we decided to stay and have a beer. We sat down and sitting right across from us was my old Coach Opp! He came over and we reminisced over old times– muddy shot puts and record setting discus throws. Back when I was a 16-year-old, I never would have imagined that one day I would sit at a bar and drink a beer with Coach Opp. It was cool.

But that is what happens when you eat an entire bag of toasted coconut-covered marshmallows in one sitting.

I went for a walk. Watched numerous La Femme Nikita episodes. Drank a few too many glasses of wine. Washed my face. Donned my nightgown and put my single Westernhagen CD into my stereo. Westernhagen. His Laß uns leben album. The songs are making sense to me. Was ist los mit mir? Hier in der Kneipe fühl’ ich mich frei. I’m feeling it, I am. Of course it just might be the wine. H gave me this album years ago and I still pop it into the stereo every now and then. Thankfully he never gave me any David Hasselhof albums. I really should have burned this Westernhagen CD. Ich liebe Dich, weil – scheiße | Ich liebe Dich – ich singe blöde Liebeslieder… Floating around here somewhere is a CD that H gave me where during a song, the singer screams, “Let us get funky, JA!” No matter how many times I listen to it, I always come close to peeing my pants. Perhaps if I wasn’t so cheap, I would have tossed all these silly German albums. But no. Here they sit, just waiting for me to get a little sauced. Haß’ mich oder lieb’ mich.

Tomorrow I must get ready for more visitors. My mom is bringing over her friend to see the Donnavilla. That means, clean, clean clean!

What is wrong with me? All I want to do is eat. I am not hungry, I am not weak, yet I am driven to consume. Thankfully, I don’t have much food in the house. Knowing there is a lack of food doesn’t stop me from opening the cupboards and refridgerator, over and over, hoping a Hershey bar will magically appear.

I want to eat a slice of ice cream cake, watermelon, spoonful of Nutella, Watergate salad, Delorenzo’s pizza, funnel cake, Midori cake, chicken quesadilla, Yuengling Black & Tan, beer butt chicken, Krispy Kreme donut, hot fudge sundae, York Peppermint Patty, Toblerone bar, Doner Kabob from a Berlin Imbiß, Black Cow (Rootbeer float for those not in the know), Matzah ball soup, canolli, barbequed ribs, egg roll, flan, sushi and Kirin Ichiban, scallops from John Stevens bar at Fell’s Point in Baltimore, onion and pepper rings sprinkled with powdered sugar from Gunnings in Baltimore, potato pancakes a.k.a Bleenies, rice pudding, coban kavurma, poppy seed bagel with melted butter and honey, Jimmie-Joe Java, PUMPKIN PIE, BLUEBERRY PIE, VANILLA ICE CREAM ON A WARM WAFFLE…

And dinner tonight is a microwaved Lean Cuisine meal. Fresh from the freezer.

There is a first for everything. The doctor didn’t ask if I could be pregnant. He did tell me that I was over-using my right arm and for the next two weeks I shouldn’t use it. My right arm. I really don’t know how I am going to do this but I will certainly give it a go.

The other night I met two more neighbors. One lives in my building, the other lady lives across the street. They were standing on the sidewalk in front of my unit, complaining about the yellow line that was painted on the curb to prevent illegal parking. I joined them, listening to them kvetch about how ugly this line is and how it can’t possibly deter parking since what does a yellow line mean anyway? At one point, the one woman mentioned that her husband has hit 3 deer with his car this season. The other woman then said, “Yes the deer are over-populated but I think it is just horrible that they want to hold a deer hunt!”
“Yes, it is amoral– hunting, that is”
“To think these men go out and kill such lovely, noble animals”
“I could never kill an animal!”
“Are you a vegetarian?” I asked as I spied her leather shoes.
“Yes, I am a vegetarian. I only eat fish, poultry, and a little hamburger.”
“You do realize” I said, “the deer are suffering. There are too many of them and there has to be a way to control the numbers.”
“Yes, I know but can’t they find a more humane way to do that? Why not just sprinkle some poison on the ground and that way the deer eat the poison and just fall asleep and die?”
I smiled, nodded, and said, “What a wonderfully humane suggestion.” Why argue? These are my neighbors and I don’t want to make enemies. Besides, what are my chances of un-deluding them in 5 minutes? I just hope it’s not something in the water.

So Donna, why did you buy a Mike Nesmith Finger Ding Doll from eBay?

I don’t know Sh*ts and giggles

I have a ton of errands to run.

* Return the bowls I borrowed from my mother
* Return the dish and coffee urn I borrowed from Barbara
* Buy coffee
* Buy an ice cream cake for Lisa’s belated Birthday Party
* Get gas for my car. (Siphoning is not an option)
* Cash check
* Mail thank you notes
* Call Doctor and tell him my arm hurts
* Clean Kitchen, Living Room, and Dining Room
* Straighten Bedroom