With September quickly approaching and my eHarmony subscription about to expire, something had to be done to salvage this experience. I was no longer getting matches and the money I paid for the service seemed lost forever. Perhaps the reason I was unmatchable had not so much to do with me as a person but rather with me taking the personality test late one night, after an evening of drinking. I wrote eHarmony’s Customer Service Department and asked them to reset my personality test. The bastards ignored me. So I wrote a second time:

Hello Dolly!
This is my second email regarding my personality profile. I would like to take the personality test again in the hope that the results will resemble my true personality as well as attract some type of man since I have been on since June and have received practically 0 response. I understand being hesitant in allowing people to re-take their profile test BUT I AM A PAYING CUSTOMER WHO HAS RECEIVED NOTHING FROM THIS SERVICE. HUMOR ME! Let me re-take the test before my subscription runs out.
Using capitals worked because they quickly reset my profile. Sunday evening, I took the test. This time I made an effort to avoid the extreme. On a scale of 1-7, how frugal are you? My answer before, 7. My answer after, 5. The other strategy I employed was to act as if it WASN’T a job interview. On the earlier test, I scored myself high on ambition, aggressiveness, etc… This time I divorced the concepts from career and applied them to life in general and I think I came across more accurately as well as less bitchy. So, did it work? The morning after the test, I had 4 matches. By that evening I had 2 requests for communication and this morning found 3 more matches in my inbox. Having been around the block a few more times than I would like to admit regarding online matchmaking, I am aware that a request for communication means nothing. Regardless, I now feel as if I am getting something for my money and that maybe, just maybe, I will find someone who will call me back after the first date. Wouldn’t that be nice?