Last night I removed my Match.com profile. Yes, I gave up. I figure it would probably be best to get out in public and circulate with real people. This way, I don’t waste so much time corresponding with men who eventually never call back.

Match.com Date History
1. Kevin, Efficiency Expert. Best looking of the bunch. First one to meet and the first one not to call or email me afterward. He set the standard for every date that followed.

2. Joe, Suture Packaging Engineer. 43 years old. Went out on 2 dates. The first date he brought me chocolates. The second date he told me none of his brothers or sisters were married and that his entire family has problems with affection.

3. Albert, Architect. His emails were lacking but in person I really liked him. One date and one phone call before he disappeared into the vast unknown.

4. Joe, Minor League Hockey PR Marketing something or other. Went out 2 times with him. He was an hour late for the second date. Joe might have worked out if he wasn’t so short and if he didn’t look like my Uncle Leo (which was just odd in that family way). I was the one who decided to cut this one short.

5. Mark, Orthopedic Surgeon. He was the only one kind enough to send me a piss off email after the date. Summary of date: I met Mark in Philly. He lives near Rittenhouse Square so he just needed to leave the apartment. I, on the other had, had to drive 45 minutes to the city and find a parking garage. We walked around and had dinner. He didn’t even offer to pay for dinner. In fact he wouldn’t even touch the check. Finally after a half hour of silence I said, “How much do I owe?”
“30.00. I will pay with my credit card so I can get the miles and you can give me cash”
“I only have 2 twenties”
“I don’t have any tens”
“Can I just give you one twenty, then?”
“Sure, you can owe me ten.”
I went to a waiter and got the change and made sure I gave him every penny. Then I had to catch a cab to the parking garage because it was dark and he said he didn’t want to walk with me to my car. The cab was 8.00. The parking garage was 16.00. Mark only paid for his dinner. I felt like the biggest loser. In the piss off email he said he was going to be very busy and would not have the time to call me or go out anytime in the near future. I was relieved.

6. Tom, Pediatrician. AKA Carlton the Doorman. I loved his emails. He seemed so vibrant and interesting and funny. He was the absolute opposite on the phone and in person. Regardless, he was the one who said he would call and didn’t.

There are a ton of other fellows whom I corresponded with but never met. There was Kevin who only wanted to talk about his ex-girlfriend, and Joe the Lawyer/Librarian who kept confusing me with the other women he was emailing. “So, Dana, errr, Diana, errr Donna, tell me what it is like being a flower arranger.” There was George who sounded like Richard Simmons and John the radio talk show host who cut the correspondence short by moving to Kentucky.

I need a break.