It was over 5 years ago, I found myself sitting at the dinner table– pregnant, with a husband, and two stepdaughters and I thought– how the hell did I get here?

This morning, I loaded JE onto the school bus and I turned to get JR into the car to drive him to his preschool and as I juggled backpacks and lunch boxes, I thought– how the hell did I get here?

For the longest time, my life didn’t change. I lived in my condo — I went to work — I ate — I breathed. And then my dad died. Boom. But life kept moving forward. I met Ed and with him came big changes. JE and JR are constantly changing — growing — developing — progressing and I feel the onslaught of time more acutely than ever before.

October is almost over. It really is the fastest month, or so it seems.

Put my three-year-old on the school bus this morning for the first time. I know it was the right thing but I am also certain it’s insane too. Knowing what I am going through, I wonder how the heck my mother handled everything when I was a kid.

It’s 2 and all I want to do is get my babies — work? What’s that?

To do: Powerwalk and listen to Wayne Dyer or similar ilk. I need a religion. I was considering checking out a Unitarian church but after some google research I discovered it’s more political than religious… and politics is something I want to escape entirely.

I just want a place to go, once a week, where I can be quiet, self-reflective, hear someone speak about better ways of thinking, dealing, being, planning, leading, and envisioning.

My trainer said that I am doing a great job of getting my body strong but I also need to work on my head/spirituality. He tells me to go to church and pray. To trust in God.

And somehow, it does resonate with me. I want to find faith/spirituality. I just don’t want to hear about a father who sacrifices the fatted calf because his asshole son is back from whoring it up in the city. I don’t want to hear about floods and ships full of animals, or tablets, or sacrifices made on mountaintops stopped at the last second.

It doesn’t seem like the type of church I want is out there and so I am left to powerwalking and listening to Wayne Dyer.

So I switched this Website over to a managed WordPress solution my hosting company offers. During the migration, there was a slight hiccup and I had to call tech support. The issue was in the ispy folder that contains all my old webcam pictures.

“Yeah, so like back in the 90’s I used to do webcam pics– nothing seedy or racy- just boring shots of me in front of my computer- it was a different time back then, a gentler time.”

The pics started in 1998 and went to 2006. It seems so long ago and like yesterday.

I keep reading how Seinfeld went off the air 20 years ago– debuted on TV 30 years ago. I actually went on IMDB.com to make sure it was true. It’s absolutely correct.

The passage of time.

It’s way late– 3 am and I am up. I got tired of tossing and turning.

The new year lit a fire under me and I got a lot accomplished for work and around the house but the motivation has petered out. One of the things I did during that first week was organize my office. Looking at it, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. It’s now a month and a half later and it’s a hell hole again.

The thing is, I didn’t even notice how bad it got. I took some pictures of the office. It’s crazy what you don’t notice when you are in the midst of things. Looking at those pictures, I was amazed at how messy it had become. “How messy it had become,” like it just happened on its own. LOL

Humans are nothing more than their habits. I’ve got to kick my bad habits — messiness — and I need to acquire some good habits like reading, exercising, journaling, and dressing better.

I went to San Jose a few weeks ago. Got a tour of my favorite Social Network’s HQ. Instead of being impressed, I found myself feeling sad. All those little Millenials, walking around, looking identical to each other — living in a weird microcosmic environment that doesn’t appear to reflect anything that I experience in business yet making massive decisions that will undoubtedly affect me… ugh!

The good news is when I got back home, Jed stopped nursing and so after 2 years and 2 and a half months, I am done with breastfeeding. I might feel more wistful if I hadn’t done it for 4 years straight. I am happy to take back my body and boobies.

In other news, Jimmy keeps saying, “Mommy, you are my breast friend!”

“You are my breast friend, too, little guy!”

And today he turns 4-years-old! It’s almost hard to believe. The days are long but the years go fast.

Our neighbors’ marriage imploded. They put their house up for sale and now we have new neighbors. The word got out that our new neighbors have a 3-year-old son. Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent more time than I care to admit staring out the window, hoping for signs of life from them. Although cars came and went, I never saw a single person emerge or enter their house. FINALLY, yesterday as I collected our mail, I noticed a man standing outside their garage. I marched over with Jimmy and Jed and introduced myself and the boys. Turns out they do indeed have a 3-year-old son! Jimmy needs a best friend…. badly. And I am so excited, I really hope this little boy can be his friend.

Last weekend I finished the update to my book. It really should be a second edition but my publisher doesn’t even want to talk about a second edition until they have a full year of sales numbers. Plus, the author apparently doesn’t get compensated for updates. We do them to keep the book viable and selling. I am happy it’s updated– it was a task that honestly seemed insurmountable. I am just glad it’s behind me.

Yesterday I received a scathing email from a woman, angry about a link that I had posted on Social Media. It was a link to an article that I wrote but for some reason the link wasn’t working right for her. Rather than taking a step back, breathing in and breathing out, realizing that I have always put out good, valuable content, and that clearly something wasn’t right, she emailed me the meanest words. She assumed that it was some sort of SPAM and she was going to unfollow me and tell everyone she knows to unfollow me. So I picked up the phone and called her. Walked her through how to click the link and lo and behold it worked just fine. I asked her why, after having followed me for ages, being a commenter and sharer of so many of my posts, she would immediately jump to the conclusion that I was doing something evil and not that it was a simple technical snafu. She said she was having a bad day.

It’s 6am-ish. I woke up early. Couldn’t go back to sleep. This happens with quite a bit of frequency. I just wish I could take the time and be more productive. Maybe I’ll go make a banana cake.

I feel age catching up to me. The kids today are different and I feel a division. Technology is changing and what was easy for me is getting so very hard. I feel my focus moving from me to my sons… it’s no longer about me at all.

I also feel tired. It’s constant clawing to make a tiny little mark. Is that true for everyone? Or is it just me? Those that are truly successful, how did they know what to do? Do they have an innate ability? Did they find a great mentor? Did they just luck into it? They probably developed a strong network of high-level individuals, took risks, borrowed money, hired good people, and succeeded.

I went on holiday and submerged myself in crystal blue waters. It was heaven. And now I am back in front of my computer. Everything passes. Quickly.

I want to…

• Get up and stretch
• Walk to clear my mind and refresh/reset
• Take an hour and read a business book/work on my own professional development
• Exercise for 45 minutes- elliptical, yoga, Zumba, weights… anything!
• Journal daily as a way to express and explore my feelings and come to terms with the situations happening around me
• Shower and dress in nice clothes and make myself look presentable on a daily basis
• Meditate

Instead…

• I sleep in… with both boys nestled in my arms
• Get dressed in jeans or yoga pants and a stretched out t-shirt
• Pour cheerios or yogurt for the boys
• Head into my office and work
• Sometimes stop for lunch… consisting of a frozen burrito, microwaved or last night’s dinner leftovers
• Work until the nanny leaves
• Take the boys outside so they can run around
• Make dinner
• Eat dinner
• Clean up after dinner
• Watch tv with Eddie and the boys
• Give the boys a bath
• Fall asleep with the boys snuggled beside me