Not good Not bad It just is

Sometimes it all seems back to normal but then it falls apart like a house of cards. I miss my father so much. Last week things went on in my life that made me yearn for him. He would have been so excited for me and proud. I could practically hear him relating the events happening to some story from his past, clearing his throat so he could tell me in his best radio voice. I walked by the basement today and I so wanted to hear him call me down to help him with his computer.

And in other not so good news, yesterday I found myself saying some very familiar words to a man… words that I said to Heiko and PB, and I wondered, why am I always the one pressing? Why can’t it be the other way around? Why can’t I be the one to reply, “Hmmmm, I think I need to process this, can I, uhhhh, get back to you?”

I tried to get Lisa and mom to come to some sort of consensus as to how we will spend the holidays. Visit family? Bermuda? I think the decision is to stay home and cry.

I think maybe I will go holiday mad and decorate like it’s nobody’s business. I’ll wear ugly holiday sweaters and a Santa cap for the entire month of December.

Life and Exercise

I had gone through a shift after my dad died. I stopped the around the clock work schedule and I spent time with Mom and Lisa. I made time for my friends. I went on walks and I allowed the sun to shine on my face. Somehow, I have sunk back into my old ways. Working and working and yet not actually accomplishing anything. Procrastinating. Not making time for family and friends.

This has got to stop. I need to get back in control of my business and life. I need to start working to live and not living to work. I need to start exercising again.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Fell off the face of the earth

Gosh… it’s been weeks since I last updated. I’ve been busy. Insanely busy.

I went to a Micky Dolenz concert the other day. Went to an Oktoberfest yesterday.

Match.com is not impressing me. It’s not killing me either, though. So far all the men have been damaged. My hope is a normal man will emerge. I am wondering the likelihood of that happening. It just keeps becoming more and more clear that the men that are single and over 35 are single for a reason.

Here’s a recent Match.com text exchange:

Unknown Caller: This donna from match? 3:53 PM
Me: Yep… who is this? 3:58 PM
Unknown Caller: The smaller but cute and nice email guy…John 3:59 PM
Me: Cool! that was fast, I just responded to your email a second ago 4:00 PM
John Match.com: Sorry for being interested 4:00 PM
Me: I hope you meant that light-heartedly which is how my text was intended 4:01 PM
John Match.com: U were knocking me for texting u so soon 4:02 PM
Me: I don’t know how you got that impression– all I said was “that was fast” Most guys take DAYS to respond 4:03 PM
John Match.com: Ur intimidating u really r..u will be single forever with that bad attitude 4:04 PM
Me: ok 4:05 PM
Ken Match.com: What a bitch..lol..dont ever contact me again alice the goon 4:06 PM
Me: Good luck in your search, John. I mean that in a nice way. 4:07 PM
John Match.com: Ur evil.. I blocked u from my search…ur the worst i ever spoke to 4:10 PM

It scares me he has my phone number but I think he’s probably the type that gets off insulting people over a great distance. I am probably safe.

Take me home country roads

Just in case you are worried, I got home just fine from St. Louis. Didn’t see the arch, but whatever. Yesterday I went to the Newtown Beerfest and had an amazing time. Who woulda thunk standing around drinking beer would be so much fun?

I have a slew of things I must do and I can’t get myself to do them. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do it? I am torturing myself. If I could just sit down and finish my to do list the items would be done and off my back. This is just insanity.

St. Louis Here I Come!

I leave for St. Louis tomorrow. It’s a same day, in and out trip. I am alternately excited and scared.

Yesterday, my concentration returned at around 5pm and I worked until 10. I seem to do better at night. Sometimes.

I spent time today working on my vision board. I made a collage in Picassa and pinned it to the board. You see, the other day someone asked me, “What kind of man do you see yourself with?” and I didn’t have much of an answer. I realized that I needed to get clearer on what I want and really start visualizing him. For some weird reason, I just SEE myself as single. Even when I was with PB I saw myself as a single person. When I was with him, I often felt alone… I wonder if that’s why I was so comfortable with him? Okay, let’s not get too deep here. So there’s clearly an issue and I need to fix it. Yes, it is awesome that I am a self-contained individual but I need to start seeing myself WITH SOMEONE. So I created a collage out of pictures of couples that move me… Natascha & Rudy, Mulder & Scully, Hugh & Andie, Paula & Richard, George & Audrey, Lynda & Lyle, John & Carolyn, Nick & Nora, Ava & Dirk… and I pinned it to my vision board and hopefully it will help me start moving in that direction.

Does anyone want to guess at the last names of the couples?

Can’t Concentrate

What do you do when you can’t concentrate? There’s work to be done but all you can do is stare, mouth agape? Maybe I just need a nap. Maybe a walk? Maybe a cup of tea? Grrrr, I hate when this happens.

Baby, it’s cold outside

Just a few days until autumn. Already it’s cooling down. Yesterday I threw on a long sleeve shirt and the day before I wore a sweater.

I got some bad news on Sunday. Lisa called to tell me the family who lived behind us.. I used to babysit for them… the husband dropped dead of a heart attack that morning. His wife was one of the first people to our house after my dad died. She’s a nurse so she heard about it quickly. Their kids range in age from 12 – 24ish. That’s too young to lose a daddy. I feel so awful about it. In fact, I think I feel worse now knowing what it’s like to lose a father. Just 6 months ago I would have been like, “Ahh, that’s a shame. Tra la la.” Now I just want to cry for them.

So many people around us have died. Two of my mother’s friends had husbands die within the last few months. It’s like the men are dropping like flies.

Charmed Life

I really do feel like I live a charmed life. All day today I visualized myself at the free Micky Dolenz concert, front and center! I just knew I would find a spot, somehow. As it were, I left a bit late and found myself in a mob scene. I could clearly see where I should have been standing but I couldn’t reach it. I kept creeping closer and closer but my height makes it difficult to truly squeeze in. Just as I was thinking to myself, “I wonder what happened, I visualized this situation so perfectly!” my first client and friend, Chris, peeked his head out from right in front of the stage! He waved at me, cut through the crowd, whispered to the security guard who then motioned for me to come over and as I approached, the security guard said, “Sure your sister can join you, HAVE FUN!” Next thing I know, I am right where I was supposed to be, shaking my butt to MICKY DOLENZ, front and center!!!

I had so much fun! The only thing that would have made it better is if Lisa was there with me!