Yesterday I witnessed 3 different episodes of domestic dispute. At work, I was quietly working in my cube when I overheard the fellow in the opposite cube completely tear into his wife on the phone. I was able to surmise that she was home waiting for a call from a repairman but she decided to get the mail. The repairman called while she was out and so he called my colleague. This guy was overwhelmed in anger that she left the house and that the repairman called him at work. He just tore into her. “You have no business stepping out of the house! I am your husband not your babysitter!” He finally slammed the phone down and under his breath said, “What is her problem?”
At the airport, as I was waiting for Lisa, a good looking man walked out to the pick up area. He started yelling into his cell phone, “I SEE YOU. TURN AROUND GODDAMMIT! STOP AND TURN!” He dropped his phone and raised his voice even louder. “AMANDA! I AM HERE, YOU…” I saw a woman in the distance, walking toward the parking lot. She turned and started walking toward the man. He continued to berate her and she was beside herself in embarassment. I was right in her path and instead of walking in front of me, she walked behind me because she couldn’t face me and the other people who had witnessed her husband’s tirade. They went back into the terminal and the woman sharing the bench with me said, “I would never get in a car with him!”
Lisa called and told me she had about a half hour left and so I decided to change out of my work clothes. I entered the terminal and almost collided with a young couple who were grappling with each other.
“You are coming with me!”
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere with you!”
“You get over here or I’ll…”
“No, leave me alone. I ain’t…”
I darted away but then I stopped and considered going over to try to help. The man kinda scared me and I realized it might not be a good idea to get involved. I decided that if they were still out there when I got out of the bathroom I would call the cops. They were gone when I emerged from the Ladies Room.
Like the saying goes:
There’s a reason why marriage in called an “institution”, ’cause that’s where most
married people belong…in an institution.
An intelligent, reasonable (and married…go figure) buddy of mine was musing one day:
“Why does a person settle on one person, just
ONE person, to marry, when there are dozens, if not hundreds of other compatible people out there?”
I heard not long ago that he was divorcing wife number two. He must have solved the riddle.
In 66% of the cases described, you’re seeing/hearing only one side of the story.
Mismatched expectations are the number cause of divorce. Disagreements tend to boil to the surface when money is tight, or become more evident, anyway, when money is at the center of disagreements.
There’s a false societal philosophy than men have no right to be upset with their spouses, no matter what (or how much BS they pull).
Say, for example, that I worked thousands of hours (over a 5 year period) above and beyond what’s reasonable and healthy, as the head of a new division our company wanted built. My employer gave me very generous stock option awards, in return for my exceptionally hard work.
I got married, well after I earned and had been awarded those options, but before they could be exercised (per SEC rules).
When the options reached the level I was hoping they would, I cashed them in and bought a very nice Ferrari. She was furious, because, in her mind, I had no right to spend $249,000 without her prior consent.
Bear in mind that the most money she ever earned was $35,000/year, and that she quit working before we got married to “focus on the wedding”. Her dad and I paid for the wedding, and paid all her bills/debt for several years.
She was so angered by the car that she took it out for a spin and intentionally crashed it into a wall, while I was away (traveling for work).
I made the mistake of telling her that I thought she should seek help. She sought help, all right, from Women in Crisis. She went to them, told them that I beat her, and within days, the police came to my office and escorted me home. I had 15 minutes to gather my belongings, and was prohibited from returning to my home until after a hearing.
People who don’t know the story could look at me as though I’m a vicious, hot-headed jerk. Legal fees have been above $30k, thus far. The car was totaled, I have to pay for a separate apartment (and the house), etc.
My point isn’t “whoa is me”, just that you don’t know a lot of the background, and it’s very self-rightous and judgemental of you to presume the things that you have.
My best advice – stick to what you know and let those around you live and let live.
My question is, why do Amanda and the other two women allow their significant others to speak to them that way. We teach people how to treat us. They’ve obviously been tolerating this verbal abuse for some time.
Steve, I agree with your wife. It was a mistake to buy a $249,000 car without talking to her first, even though it was technivally “your” money. When you enter into marriage, it’s a partnership. You wife should have been included on the discussion. And by the way it’s “woe” not “whoa.”
Audra