I got some bad news today. I am hoping everything will be okay.
In other news, I have a second edition I must start on and I must stop procrastinating. Little Jimmy sat on the toilet and peed a little the other day… gotta get him to do that more often.
Delivered a presentation this morning. Prior to starting, I schmoozed with attendees. Spoke with a woman who quizzed me on the election.
I try to avoid politics; it’s never something that will end well. Regardless, we chatted around the topic. She told me she voted for Trump, I told her I voted for Johnson. We agreed that the political climate is so ugly right now and friendly discourse seems impossible although we were clearly doing just fine.
As we talked, I mentioned that the one thing my mind keeps returning to is Hillary’s loss. Hillary wanted to be president – she really wanted to be president. Every move she’s made over the last 20(?) years strategically aligned her with the end goal of presidency.
She’s 69-years-old and I can’t imagine that she will run again. Her dream is DEAD. I am 42-years-old and I fall asleep at 10:00 every night. Watching the news over the last year, seeing her crisscrossing the USA, I marveled at her determination, energy, and strength.
All that work, all that action… and she lost the election. I cannot fathom the immenseness of this defeat and the death of her dream.
The woman asked me, “Have you ever experienced a loss of that magnitude? Something that you wanted so greatly and worked so hard for… to have it ripped out of your hands at the last hour?â€
I looked back at my life. I thought about auditioning for the Music Man play in 6th grade and not even making chorus. I remember trying out for volleyball and basketball in 8th grade and not making either team. I remember early in my career interviewing for a Product Manager position and not getting it. I thought of a prospect that I wooed for a year and when it came time to make the purchase, he went with my competitor.
“No, I can’t think of anything that I wanted so badly, that I did everything I could do, and yet I still failed.â€
“Maybe you get everything you want?â€
I laughed but I realized the truth was quite painful. I have never aimed high enough. I have never swung for that higher branch.
I’ve taken risks and I have experienced success but without having some truly gut-wrenching failures…. Can I honestly say I aimed high enough? I have simply played it safe.
And I think of Donald Trump. Say what you want but that guy aimed high. I think he has always aimed high. He certainly has the failures to show for it… and he has the success and wins, too.
Toward the end of his life, my father told me his biggest regret was he didn’t aim high enough. Today I finally really understand what he meant: Take risks. Get out of your comfort zone. Fail big time. Not only will the success you experience be so much greater but it will also taste sweeter.
I really thought Hillary would win. I mean, I KNEW IT! Rather than watch election results coversage, I tuned into TCM and watched Hitchcock’s Saboteur starring Robert Cummings and Priscilla Lane. Is it just me or does it seem like Priscilla Lane was always on the lam in every movie she starred? Except for Arsenic and Old Lace.
Right after they get to Soda City and intersect with the real enemy agents, I found my eyelids getting very very heavy and off to la la land I went. I awoke at 6 am and as I stared at the ceiling, I thought to myself, “What if Trump won?” At that moment, hubby walked in and said, “Trump it is.”
How crazy weird is this world? Trump? It just proves that a megalomaniac psychopath can do pretty much anything. Now don’t get me wrong– I am not on either side here. I’d probably be thinking pretty much the same thing if Clinton got in.
I have to admit, I enjoyed the Apprentice; so I figure the next four years will definitely be entertaining.
Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter. All you can do is concentrate on living a good life as best you can. Do good and be good. Everything will work out.
My father used to tell me that even in the darkest days, during plagues, revolts, and genocides, people continued to live their lives. They went on living and survived the best they could and some people succeeded despite it all. So I guess I am just saying that life goes on and I am not particularly worried one way or the other.
Dust Be My Destiny was the other film Priscilla Lane starred in that had her running with John Garfield. Weren’t there others?
The 12th was my wedding anniversary. Three years of wedded bliss. I am loving every minute of it.
I do cast my mind back to my single, non-mother days and wonder how in the world I thought I was busy? It really amazes me more mothers didn’t punch me in the face when I would complain about not having any time.
The days fly by. Hitting 42 was a bit of a shock. I started dying my hair because the grays were getting far too noticeable. I find myself complaining about the “kids of today.” If I am not careful I’ll soon be telling young whippersnappers to get off my lawn.
I can’t wait for the election to be over. If anything, I am realizing that I REALLY need to get off Facebook. If I could just switch my time from Facebook to reading books, wow– I’d get smart fast. Instead, I am addicted to the endless scrolling. Whoever wins, the next 4 years promise to be interesting. And in case anyone is wondering, I am not supporting any major party.
What else? Jed turned one. Jimmy will turn 3 in December. Kids grow fast. Jimmy is talking. Jed is climbing. I miss my father. I feel grateful for my life. Blue Apron is a pretty awesome service but their portions are for small-sized people. I should buy Triscuit stock.
The biopsy results came back. Nodules are benign but I apparently have Hashimoto’s disease based upon the white cell count.
Ultimately this is no huge deal. It just means hormone therapy for the rest of my life. I’ve already been taking Synthroid for the last 6 months and it’s made a huge difference in my life. I no longer feel like I am trapped in a large bowl of jello.
Whew! Thank goodness!
With every second, minute, hour that passes, I feel a little bit better. Tomorrow I will truly feel relieved.
Yesterday I had a biopsy performed on my thyroid. The doctor said that if the results aren’t good (meaning cancer or Hashimoto’s) the lab will call within 24 to 48 hours. Otherwise, results will arrive in a week. So no immediate news is a good thing.
Jimmy is talking up a storm. I asked if he was hungry and he replied, “I not hungry, I Jimmy!”
Earlier, I was nursing Jed, and Jimmy, out of nowhere, found the whole thing funny. He started to laugh.
“Why are you laughing Jimmy?”
“Baby eating mommy’s boobie! Hahahaha”
Jed is no longer a baby, he’s ambling around like a champ. He’s an amazing eater. Whatever I put on his plate he eats.
All is so good.
Please, please, please no phone calls from the endocrinologist. Please!
Little Jed is 10-months-old. Little Jimmy is 2-1/2-years-old. I am 41-years-old. Dad’s been gone 5 years.
I talked to my dad every day– sometimes multiple times a day. He often gave me advice. The one thing he said to me has been roaring in my ears lately: “Blinders, you need blinders– don’t look at others, don’t spend time thinking of what other people are doing or saying or thinking. Wear blinders. Keep yourself focused on your own tasks at hand.”
I have two boys to raise, a book to write, a life to lead. I am saying no to all other distractions.
Toohey: “Mr. Roark, we’re alone here. Why don’t you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us.”
Roark: “But I don’t think of you.â€
I’ve been doing this for years… making resolutions at the beginning of the year and reviewing them at the end. So here it goes… The official review of my 2015 resolutions.
1. Create Experiences. Have Adventures. Make Memories.
I really want to say SUCCESS! But it feels a little bit more like a fail to me. I spent 2015 pregnant and working my ass off. Jimmy was in that crazy stage where taking him out was just an adventure in itself. Heck, just yesterday Lisa and I attempted to take the boys to the Aquarium. As we approached the Aquarium, Jimmy let loose a torrent of vomit. We spent the next 15 minutes in the parking lot of a CVS (in beautiful downtown Camden) scraping throw up from every crevice. This is probably the fourth time the vomit volcano has erupted in the car.
With that said, we did do some fun things. We went to Johnson’s Corner Farm a bunch of times. We went down the shore a couple times.
The best memory we had was Jed’s birth. I stopped trying to be a Wonder Woman and I opted for an epidural. Unlike Jimmy’s birth which was truly a nightmare, Jed’s was absolutely lovely. The only expletive that escaped my lips was when the nurse weighed him and announced, “10 pounds even!”
2. Stretch and Move
This one had a few successes. Through the spring and summer months, Eddie and I walked Jimmy around the neighborhood in his little push around plastic car. Then once Jed arrived, I walked the two of them around the neighborhood a couple times in our double stroller. It didn’t last long because mornings became painful to me because of the sleepless nights. Jimmy’s naptime stretched into the time we’d walk.
I should be able to find time to just get on the floor and stretch… but I didn’t.
FAIL
3. Drink only on weekends.
FAIL. I really need to find another way to unwind.
4. Read books, Ditch Facebook
Partial Success. I still spend more time than I would prefer on Facebook but I did read a bunch of books– more books than I read in the past 10 years combined. This is a resolution that I need to keep focussed on. I didn’t magically become a great reader but I do feel like I made progress.
5. Think like Walter Bond
Partial Success. I don’t think achieving a winner’s mindset is something that you set out to do and easily achieve in a one stop type of way. I believe I made some good progress but I am not where I need to be.
It was a couple weeks ago we visited family in Wildwood. Uncle Kevin’s wife’s brother’s wife was also visiting and was in the midst of training for a triathlon. The one day she said that she would be biking 100 miles.
“That must take a couple days to complete.” I thought.
Well she woke up the next morning and biked the 100 miles. She was back before noon. Once home, she grabbed a bottle of gatorade and headed out the door to run 5 miles.
This totally blew my mind. BLEW MY MIND!
The thought of biking 100 miles… and doing it within a few hours and then taking off and RUNNING 5 miles?!?
It made me think, what else am I underestimating? What else am I convinced is impossible, but isn’t? What am I closed to? What other limiting beliefs do I hold?
Ultimately it comes to mindset– am I abundance-minded or scarcity-minded?
I know I am clinging to limiting thoughts that are keeping me back… but how do I identify them and change?
I have often said to my husband, “I don’t know where they find the time to train for these fitness competitions… it’s not even their fitness level that impresses me as much as they have the time to train! Me? I work my ass off all the time and if I’m not doing that, I’m caring for Jimmy and life. I can barely find the time to shower much less find time to run 25 miles.” Of course, I’m beginning to realize it doesn’t take two days to run 25 miles as I assumed.
Replaying this conversation in my head, I sound like stupid Archie Bunker. Here’s the thing, it’s not about fitness competitions or the time it takes to train. Am I simply convinced that I need to work as much as I do? Is it more in my head than in true workload? Am I choosing to be overly busy? Truthfully, I really do feel as if I take my eye away from the ball my empire will crash to the ground around me.
I don’t know. I feel there is something here… a wall that needs to come down in my brain. A wall that is keeping me from pushing ahead and accomplishing more.