Sometimes it all seems back to normal but then it falls apart like a house of cards. I miss my father so much. Last week things went on in my life that made me yearn for him. He would have been so excited for me and proud. I could practically hear him relating the events happening to some story from his past, clearing his throat so he could tell me in his best radio voice. I walked by the basement today and I so wanted to hear him call me down to help him with his computer.

And in other not so good news, yesterday I found myself saying some very familiar words to a man… words that I said to Heiko and PB, and I wondered, why am I always the one pressing? Why can’t it be the other way around? Why can’t I be the one to reply, “Hmmmm, I think I need to process this, can I, uhhhh, get back to you?”

I tried to get Lisa and mom to come to some sort of consensus as to how we will spend the holidays. Visit family? Bermuda? I think the decision is to stay home and cry.

I think maybe I will go holiday mad and decorate like it’s nobody’s business. I’ll wear ugly holiday sweaters and a Santa cap for the entire month of December.