She had a dream

imagesDelivered a presentation this morning. Prior to starting, I schmoozed with attendees. Spoke with a woman who quizzed me on the election.

I try to avoid politics; it’s never something that will end well. Regardless, we chatted around the topic. She told me she voted for Trump, I told her I voted for Johnson. We agreed that the political climate is so ugly right now and friendly discourse seems impossible although we were clearly doing just fine.

As we talked, I mentioned that the one thing my mind keeps returning to is Hillary’s loss. Hillary wanted to be president – she really wanted to be president. Every move she’s made over the last 20(?) years strategically aligned her with the end goal of presidency.

She’s 69-years-old and I can’t imagine that she will run again. Her dream is DEAD. I am 42-years-old and I fall asleep at 10:00 every night. Watching the news over the last year, seeing her crisscrossing the USA, I marveled at her determination, energy, and strength.

All that work, all that action… and she lost the election. I cannot fathom the immenseness of this defeat and the death of her dream.

The woman asked me, “Have you ever experienced a loss of that magnitude? Something that you wanted so greatly and worked so hard for… to have it ripped out of your hands at the last hour?”

I looked back at my life. I thought about auditioning for the Music Man play in 6th grade and not even making chorus. I remember trying out for volleyball and basketball in 8th grade and not making either team. I remember early in my career interviewing for a Product Manager position and not getting it. I thought of a prospect that I wooed for a year and when it came time to make the purchase, he went with my competitor.

“No, I can’t think of anything that I wanted so badly, that I did everything I could do, and yet I still failed.”

“Maybe you get everything you want?”

I laughed but I realized the truth was quite painful. I have never aimed high enough. I have never swung for that higher branch.

I’ve taken risks and I have experienced success but without having some truly gut-wrenching failures…. Can I honestly say I aimed high enough? I have simply played it safe.

And I think of Donald Trump. Say what you want but that guy aimed high. I think he has always aimed high. He certainly has the failures to show for it… and he has the success and wins, too.

Toward the end of his life, my father told me his biggest regret was he didn’t aim high enough. Today I finally really understand what he meant: Take risks. Get out of your comfort zone. Fail big time. Not only will the success you experience be so much greater but it will also taste sweeter.

The world hasn’t ended

Elvis and presidentI really thought Hillary would win. I mean, I KNEW IT! Rather than watch election results coversage, I tuned into TCM and watched Hitchcock’s Saboteur starring Robert Cummings and Priscilla Lane. Is it just me or does it seem like Priscilla Lane was always on the lam in every movie she starred? Except for Arsenic and Old Lace.

Right after they get to Soda City and intersect with the real enemy agents, I found my eyelids getting very very heavy and off to la la land I went. I awoke at 6 am and as I stared at the ceiling, I thought to myself, “What if Trump won?” At that moment, hubby walked in and said, “Trump it is.”

How crazy weird is this world? Trump? It just proves that a megalomaniac psychopath can do pretty much anything. Now don’t get me wrong– I am not on either side here. I’d probably be thinking pretty much the same thing if Clinton got in.

I have to admit, I enjoyed the Apprentice; so I figure the next four years will definitely be entertaining.

Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter. All you can do is concentrate on living a good life as best you can. Do good and be good. Everything will work out.

My father used to tell me that even in the darkest days, during plagues, revolts, and genocides, people continued to live their lives. They went on living and survived the best they could and some people succeeded despite it all. So I guess I am just saying that life goes on and I am not particularly worried one way or the other.

Dust Be My Destiny was the other film Priscilla Lane starred in that had her running with John Garfield. Weren’t there others?

3 Years of Wedded Bliss

elvis-boredThe 12th was my wedding anniversary. Three years of wedded bliss. I am loving every minute of it.

I do cast my mind back to my single, non-mother days and wonder how in the world I thought I was busy? It really amazes me more mothers didn’t punch me in the face when I would complain about not having any time.

The days fly by. Hitting 42 was a bit of a shock. I started dying my hair because the grays were getting far too noticeable. I find myself complaining about the “kids of today.” If I am not careful I’ll soon be telling young whippersnappers to get off my lawn.

I can’t wait for the election to be over. If anything, I am realizing that I REALLY need to get off Facebook. If I could just switch my time from Facebook to reading books, wow– I’d get smart fast. Instead, I am addicted to the endless scrolling. Whoever wins, the next 4 years promise to be interesting. And in case anyone is wondering, I am not supporting any major party.

What else? Jed turned one. Jimmy will turn 3 in December. Kids grow fast. Jimmy is talking. Jed is climbing. I miss my father. I feel grateful for my life. Blue Apron is a pretty awesome service but their portions are for small-sized people. I should buy Triscuit stock.

I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so

Hashimoto's DiseaseThe biopsy results came back. Nodules are benign but I apparently have Hashimoto’s disease based upon the white cell count.

Ultimately this is no huge deal. It just means hormone therapy for the rest of my life. I’ve already been taking Synthroid for the last 6 months and it’s made a huge difference in my life. I no longer feel like I am trapped in a large bowl of jello.

Whew! Thank goodness!

My thyroid is lumpy and juicy

Elvis-doctorWith every second, minute, hour that passes, I feel a little bit better. Tomorrow I will truly feel relieved.

Yesterday I had a biopsy performed on my thyroid. The doctor said that if the results aren’t good (meaning cancer or Hashimoto’s) the lab will call within 24 to 48 hours. Otherwise, results will arrive in a week. So no immediate news is a good thing.

Jimmy is talking up a storm. I asked if he was hungry and he replied, “I not hungry, I Jimmy!”

Earlier, I was nursing Jed, and Jimmy, out of nowhere, found the whole thing funny. He started to laugh.

“Why are you laughing Jimmy?”

“Baby eating mommy’s boobie! Hahahaha”

Jed is no longer a baby, he’s ambling around like a champ. He’s an amazing eater. Whatever I put on his plate he eats.

All is so good.

Please, please, please no phone calls from the endocrinologist. Please!

10 Months

Little Jed is 10-months-old. Little Jimmy is 2-1/2-years-old. I am 41-years-old. Dad’s been gone 5 years.

I talked to my dad every day– sometimes multiple times a day. He often gave me advice. The one thing he said to me has been roaring in my ears lately: “Blinders, you need blinders– don’t look at others, don’t spend time thinking of what other people are doing or saying or thinking. Wear blinders. Keep yourself focused on your own tasks at hand.”

I have two boys to raise, a book to write, a life to lead. I am saying no to all other distractions.


Toohey: “Mr. Roark, we’re alone here. Why don’t you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us.”
Roark: “But I don’t think of you.”

New Year’s Resolutions Revisited, 2015

elvis-leaningI’ve been doing this for years… making resolutions at the beginning of the year and reviewing them at the end. So here it goes… The official review of my 2015 resolutions.

1. Create Experiences. Have Adventures. Make Memories.

I really want to say SUCCESS! But it feels a little bit more like a fail to me. I spent 2015 pregnant and working my ass off. Jimmy was in that crazy stage where taking him out was just an adventure in itself. Heck, just yesterday Lisa and I attempted to take the boys to the Aquarium. As we approached the Aquarium, Jimmy let loose a torrent of vomit. We spent the next 15 minutes in the parking lot of a CVS (in beautiful downtown Camden) scraping throw up from every crevice. This is probably the fourth time the vomit volcano has erupted in the car.

With that said, we did do some fun things. We went to Johnson’s Corner Farm a bunch of times. We went down the shore a couple times.

The best memory we had was Jed’s birth. I stopped trying to be a Wonder Woman and I opted for an epidural. Unlike Jimmy’s birth which was truly a nightmare, Jed’s was absolutely lovely. The only expletive that escaped my lips was when the nurse weighed him and announced, “10 pounds even!”

2. Stretch and Move

This one had a few successes. Through the spring and summer months, Eddie and I walked Jimmy around the neighborhood in his little push around plastic car. Then once Jed arrived, I walked the two of them around the neighborhood a couple times in our double stroller. It didn’t last long because mornings became painful to me because of the sleepless nights. Jimmy’s naptime stretched into the time we’d walk.

I should be able to find time to just get on the floor and stretch… but I didn’t.

FAIL

3. Drink only on weekends.
FAIL. I really need to find another way to unwind.

4. Read books, Ditch Facebook
Partial Success. I still spend more time than I would prefer on Facebook but I did read a bunch of books– more books than I read in the past 10 years combined. This is a resolution that I need to keep focussed on. I didn’t magically become a great reader but I do feel like I made progress.

5. Think like Walter Bond
Partial Success. I don’t think achieving a winner’s mindset is something that you set out to do and easily achieve in a one stop type of way. I believe I made some good progress but I am not where I need to be.

So?

2015 was another great year. I lived the life I always wanted. Business owner, wife, mother. Even though my resolutions aren’t all resounding successes, I am happy. I hope 2016 is just a wonderful!

August 16th

jedAnd so it turns out, I didn’t need to wait 12 whole days. On August 15th we had family and friends over to celebrate my youngest stepdaughter’s 14th birthday. I recall making sure that I didn’t overeat and yet I recall feeling very full, very stuffed, and very uncomfortable.

As we got ready for bed that evening, Eddie told me I had resting bitch face all evening.

We fell asleep and at 1:30, I woke up soaking wet. My water had broke. Eddie and I raced to the hospital. It was the next day at 3:30ish that little Jed popped out. He weighed 10 full pounds and had a head full of soft, jet black hair.

Jimmy is slowly growing used to Jed. He’s a little jealous that Jed is taking my attention but he hasn’t acted out.

Jed is getting better looking each and every day. He’s already lost that prehistoric baby bird look that all newborns seem to have. He’s not sleeping all that great but I suspect we’ll eventually fall into some sort of routine that will work for us.

Although I am totally not into astrology or horoscopes, I am beyond happy that little Jed is a Leo and not a Virgo like me. As much as I know it’s hogwash, I exhibit all the crazy Virgo traits and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. All the people I have ever met that were born under the sign Leo, always seemed so friendly and confident. So regardless of silliness, I am happy that he too may be extroverted and high in self-esteem. I am also slightly pleased that he was born on the anniversary of Elvis’s death.

12 Days

My second son is due to arrive in 12 days.

TWELVE DAYS!

It’s almost hard to believe. And yet it’s not. I am sooooo pregnant and am ready to pop. I can’t wait for my body to stop this incessant aching. I am ready to gain back my mobility.

In some ways, I simply can’t imagine what it will be like to have another child. I am trying to visualize it but the concept is so foreign to me that I am coming up with nothing. Truthfully, I am scared. Jimmy was such a handful. Those first 3 months were so difficult. To go through it again? I keep telling myself I survived the first go around and I will survive the second time. Plus, people do this all the time. Heck, people did this without disposable diapers and wipes and baby food in jars and air conditioning and heating. I have no right in the world to be scared or stressed.

I can do this.

Strangely enough, the actual birthing process isn’t scaring me at all. Even after the ordeal I went through with Jimmy. Eddie keeps talking about the epidural and I’m just like, “yeah, whatever.”

What has me panicked is the late night feedings. The lack of sleep. But most of all, it’s balancing Jimmy AND Jed. It was one thing to just have to worry about Jimmy– now I have two little boys to handle.

I can do this.

Twelve days I’ll be doing this and it’ll be fine.